Author: Janet Robertson

 

  

 

Parental alienation is a severe act committed by one parent to another while their children are caught in between. The moment one parent commits alienation, it can be challenging to reverse primarily because the act of severing marriage ties in a despicable manner and including the kids in the process is tantamount to ongoing mistrust and anger. Just as Sharie Stines, PsyD said, “some of the alienated parents I’ve worked with have called this a battle, while others found this term too light and preferred “war.” Even when you don’t want to fight with your co-parent, their behavior may force you to take action to maintain custody or visitation of your children.” For this reason, counseling is put into play.

 

What Counseling Means To Parental Alienation

 

When a parent who has been alienated is attempting to re-enter his or her child’s life, the conflict will immediately arise. Regardless of the intention for estrangement or the incentive for coming back, the primary goal of counseling is to help repair families and people who were deeply affected by the separation in the most therapeutic way possible.

 

A lot of children, especially those who are undergoing puberty, are unable to fully understand the reasons why the other half is returning to their lives after all the nasty things that occurred. This scenario is quite complicated especially if parental alienation has been so ingrained that the child’s perspective regarding the alienated parent has been entirely on the negative side. Mark L. Goldstein, Ph.D., says that “when alienation is severe, the child often refuses to see the other parent, even though there is no evidence of physical or sexual abuse and no obvious emotional abuse. In addition, the child will usually be unable to provide even one positive quality of the other parent (In one case, I reminded the child that her father would take her to a toy store every visitation and let her choose a present. She responded that he should have allowed her to have unlimited gifts, and as a result, was still “all bad.”).”

 

Likewise, conflicting parents who have decided to reconcile are often baffled why children find it difficult to accept the other parent back into their lives; then the struggle becomes more complicated than expected. Counseling deals with this kind of family dilemma that usually manifests when the parent who was alienated decides to reclaim their right or repair a broken relationship with his or her significant other.

 

Expectations In Parental Alienation Counseling

 

Methods and treatments that are used to confront and console various parental issues are dependent on the circumstances the family is encountering. Counselors often use customized approaches to meet family needs and address complications.

 

In a way, counseling for parental alienation has various forms – individually, with the child or children, or as a family. Initially, both parents are required to attend the session first to gain a better comprehension of what happens during therapy, the parameters to be followed, and what to expect after the program.

 

 

 

When To Seek Counseling

 

The thing about parental alienation counseling is that it’s not that popular and is sometimes known by the mandate of a judge or if recommended by other family-related groups and agencies. But as responsible parents who are mainly concerned about their children’s psychological and emotional welfare, they can easily schedule a meeting with a therapist whose specialty is dealing with family issues like parental alienation.

 

One of the main reasons why parents opt for family therapy is due to their children’s behavior that often leads to a number of consequences, such as mental illness, addiction, suicide, and other factors that are detrimental to their overall safety and well-being.

 

Other reasons to seek therapy after going through parental alienation are:

 

• When both parents want to make amends and make their marriage work
• When children display worrisome behaviors like self-harm or cutting
• When the alienated parent wants to reconnect with his or her children
• When children manifest physical symptoms like panic attacks, disrupted sleeping pattern, and eating disorders
• When school performance and relationship with friends are severely affected
• Alcohol or substance use

 

 

A divorce counseling professional believes that parental alienation therapy can be quite overwhelming at first. As parents who have undergone a painful moment in their lives and can surpass it, recovery is never easy. Therefore, family therapy is recommended. If unsure, you can always schedule a meeting with a therapist and air your concerns to gauge if a professional relationship can be formed for the sake of your children and if you can possibly rebuild your family. According to Susan Heitler, Ph.D., “while initial preparatory individual sessions may be helpful, treatment of alienation begins with therapeutic parent/child interactions. The therapists’ job is to foster positive parent-child connecting. One technique is to ask the parent to bring memorabilia of fun prior experiences they can recall together.”

 

 

Some parents have to deal with a difficult decision in their lives. They have to leave their children to the other parent or other relatives. It can to divorce, financial reasons where a parent has to work someplace else, or some personal reason.

 

The absence of a parent can make the child’s feelings and emotions vulnerable. Edward Kruk, PhD, explained, “Fatherless children have more difficulties with social adjustment, and are more likely to report problems with friendships, and manifest behavior problems; many develop a swaggering, intimidating persona in an attempt to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness.”

 

It is vital that they are not left with people who have ill-feelings toward the parent. If this happens, they can manipulate the child to hate or have a negative thought about the parent.

 

If you have experienced or are experiencing parental alienation, there are simple ways you can do to reclaim your place in your child’s life.

 

Make Time

 

David J. Palmiter Jr., PhD, noted that the time parents set aside for their children only comes after all of life’s other obligations. He said, “We often treat our relationships—which are like orchids—like a cactus, and then when inevitably the orchid wilts or has problems, we tend to think that there’s something wrong with the orchid.”

 

Time is a crucial factor in every relationship. We need time to cultivate trust and love, just like growing a flower. You need to devote your time and effort to see it bloom beautifully. Set a date and time every week. Pick an activity that your kid loves, like watching a movie, watching a football game, or anything that would bring happiness to him.

 

Set Distance

 

 

Some children, especially teens, may enjoy more time with friends. Adolescence

 

Respect Privacy

 

We all need privacy, and it’s one thing you need to give your child. “Establishing these personal spaces means setting up boundaries which other people may not cross without permission. Since that includes parents, negotiating those boundaries is a major challenge in the parent-child relationship,” wrote Romeo Vitelli, PhD.

 

It is a way of showing your trust. If you are troubled by something like cigarette smoke in his clothes, it is better to address him directly instead of talking to his guardian or other people close to him. Give him the authority to defend and stand up for himself.

 

Inquire Opinion

 

Ask for your child’s opinion whenever you have to make significant decisions in life. Make him feel that his thoughts and feelings do matter. Support his dreams and interests and never impose on something you want if it’s not what they want. Be a supportive parent, but be sure to help them distinguish right from wrong.

 

Promote Positivity

 

Be a good role model. Show your child that you deserve to be his parent. Be someone you would want him to be. You should be a positive influence that inspires him, not a shadow that will terrorize him. Be yourself but better. Make an effort to make your child want to spend time with you. Never give him any reason to avoid you.

 

 

Reclaiming your role as a parent is challenging when there’s parental alienation. Children’s minds are fragile. They develop and build their foundation based on the thoughts they are fed with, but you could always prove them wrong, especially if the people who want to turn him against you are just doing it to despise you.

 

It is a battle not only for yourself, but think of it as saving your child from being drowned in an environment that compromises his potential for goodness. Be the best parent and redeem your place. Cultivate love but always demand respect.

 

Parental alienation is a looming concern not only for families separated because of having divorced parents. It can also occur in families that are still intact. It usually entails one parent suffering from psychological issues that are passed on to the child. It is sinister because one has to take a closer look at the child to recognize its symptoms.

 

 

Continue reading “Addressing The Effects Of Parental Alienation”

 

 

I was on the verge of separation from my ex-husband when I tried convincing my child to choose me over his dad. It was a toxic situation where I forced my kid to make some automatic adjustments. The process involves a complex mental manipulation that destroyed my son’s emotional well-being. He was unaware of what he was doing and subconsciously lashing out his connection with his father.

This is called parental alienation. Stanton E. Samenow, PhD, explained, “The alienating parent deploys a variety of tactics to gain control over the child. Consequently, the child experiences distress from being in the middle of his parents’ warfare.

 

 

How I Apply Parental Alienation

The process of getting my child’s custody was complicated, and I honestly admit that it was emotional abuse. His relationship with his dad was basically from what I told him. I tried brainwashing him about the stress and depression that his father had given me and it seemed to work faultlessly. I detailed out reasons for our separation and informed him about the negative consequences that can occur in our marriage. I even made false allegations of drug and alcohol abuse, sexual and verbal abuse as well as physical and mental abuse. I acted hurt and betrayed every time my son wanted to make a positive move towards his dad. I even told my son that our family got ruined because his dad doesn’t show effort in keeping us together and asked him to lie about his personal life. Because of all that, he lost the sense of interest towards his dad and blamed everything on his father’s unclear behavior. I was unaware of what I was doing at first, and I thought that seeking attention from my son was only part of relieving my stress from the failure of my marriage, but the results were in my favor, so I continued to manipulate him to turn against his dad maliciously.

 

 

How It Affected My Child

According to Susan Heitler, PhD, “Severely alienated children have little if anything positive to say about the targeted parent and often rewrite the history of their relationship with the targeted parent.” The consequences of parental alienation occurred when a change of behavior happened to my child.

He became hateful when he used to be a loving person. His perception of positive bonding experiences distorted into blame, uncontrolled anger, and arrogance. He developed a sense of entitlement and disrespected elders, (especially his dad.) Though it was already part of what I wanted, I eventually felt guilty for feeding him damaging information that made him hostile and irrational. He then experienced poor eating habits and started to lose weight. Because of the negative ideas that I implanted on his thoughts, he developed social identity problems and poor decision-making functions and lost the ability to think logically. He used technology as a means of escape and diminished his attention span. He became lonely as he isolated himself from his friends and family.

The effect of parental alienation on my child was lethal. His anxiety and depression have become worst, and I lost a sense of control over his pure nature. “We bring children into this world and owe them innocence, for as long as we can,” wrote Mark Banschick, MD. “They need not worry about adult matters. They deserve their childhood. On Divorce Island that innocence is threatened constantly, but it can be maintained.”

I was too focused on the attention that I have, so I ignored the signs of his sufferings. Unfortunately, it was too late to realize that hatred doesn’t come naturally to any child because it comes from teaching. I intentionally endangered my son’s emotional and mental health just because I was selfish enough to understand his needs.

My ex-husband and I divorced when our children were only five and three years of age.  The process was so dirty and cruel, and for things not to get uglier in the eyes of my kids, I sought a peaceful settlement.  I did it because I love my kids and I didn’t want them to suffer more.

Continue reading “How Should Divorce Mentality Be?”

What is a myth? The dictionary defines the word as a false idea or belief widely held by a large number of people. According to A.J. Marsden, Ph.D., and William Nesbitt, Ph.D., “The word myth comes from mythos, which means “story.” However, “story” doesn’t necessarily mean made up or fictitious.” Simply put, it’s a wrong concept held as facts by many. In this light, this article aims to educate by disproving the four common myths most people believe about parental alienation.

Continue reading “Disproving The 4 Myths About Parental Alienation”

 

Natascha Kampusch’s Story

Here is another story of one abduction and an emotional abuse victim who, until now, is surviving and trying to get through the hurdles her experience is causing her through the help of counseling. While happy-ever-afters aren’t possible in real life, this is a story of hope and survival and a spirit who refuses to be defeated by a nightmare.

 

Continue reading “Surviving Abduction, Parental Alienation, And Emotional Abuse”

Parental alienation is the process of turning a child against a parent through manipulation. Rightfully, psychologists are calling it “divorce poison.” It can potentially cause long-term effects on the child, the rejected family member, and their relationship with one another. It can cause the two to be estranged and put them at risk of developing a mental disorder.

Thankfully, there is still hope for those who experience parental alienation. There are specific measures you can take to reconnect with your child. Here are five things you can try.

Sort Things Out With The Other Parent

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Before anything else, you might want to try sorting things out with the other parent. Sometimes, people don’t realize that specific actions of theirs contribute to alienation. Although you may have separated, it’s in everyone’s best interest to keep things civil between you two. Bring up the problem with them and see if there’s something you can work out together so that you don’t become estranged from your kids. “Parenting in a divorce situation is hard enough without all of the drama that comes with parental alienation. Keep the drama in your household to a minimum so your child can rest, heal, and recoup before they return to the hostile environment,” Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC advised.

Encourage Direct Communication

It’s likely that the reason your child is losing warmth towards you is that the alienating parent is feeding them twisted information about you. This manipulation causes them to see you differently and believe in an inaccurate image of you. They could convince your kids to think that you don’t love them anymore; the separation was their fault or other similar lies.

To avoid having this problem, ask your child to talk to you directly about any questions or concerns they may have. This way, you can address any incorrect ideas they may have about you tactfully. Always correct any inaccurate information they may have so that the problem doesn’t grow into something bigger and harder to manage. Encouraging direct communication also helps them develop critical-thinking skills, as they have to discern who to believe and what the truth is. Talk therapy experts say that talking to one another also allows you to give your side of the story. “When the proposed interaction is properly managed, and not allowed to escalate into insults or argument — then contact between opposing parties should reduce tension,” Molly S. Castelloe Ph.D. furthers.

Show Them The Same Love You Did Before

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If things were going well between you and your child before alienation took place, remind them of how things were before. Be mindful of showing them the same love and concern you’ve always had for them. If there were activities you enjoyed that you did often, continue doing those. Having weekly picnics, watching baseball games together, or going to their school play will show them that you’re still present.

Get them to remember how well you connected before the separation happened. This way, they can see that you’re still the same parent that they loved in the past. Chances are, they’ll think twice when the alienating parent paints you in a negative light.

Practice Self-Care And Self-Love

Trying to reconnect with your child is a very trying time.  During this period, it’s crucial that you also take care of yourself. Self-blame and self-hatred are easy traps to fall into. However, remember not to be so hard on yourself. This problem is not your fault as the targeted parent. Be strong and don’t let the alienating parent make you believe that you are not worthy of your children’s time and affection. Your self-esteem and confidence in yourself will serve as a strong foundation. If you don’t believe that you are a good parent, neither will your child.

Similarly, your emotional stability can also affect how you reconnect with your kids. If you’re are all over the place, they may not want to be around you. Being emotionally unstable or unavailable during this time will have lasting consequences. For instance, it’ll be much easier for the alienating parent to convince your child that you’re someone to be feared if you’re angry all the time. Don’t give them more reasons to distrust you.

Give It Time But Keep Reaching Out

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Even if your child may not take to maintaining a relationship with you, don’t lose hope. It can take some time before you sort out your issues and overcome the manipulation that they went through. You’ll have to be patient and understanding of your kids.

And while you want to give it time, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be around. If your kids show that they don’t want you around, allow them space but don’t alienate yourself either. Show up on significant occasions—birthdays, graduation, and other events. Your presence will show them that they’re important enough for you to want to remain in their life.

Summary
The primary way to battle parental alienation is through genuine love and concern for your child. Don’t fight hate with more negativity. Try to work things out with the alienating parent first. If that doesn’t work, focus on your relationship with your kids. Be present, provide guidance and love. We hope that your kids grow up to be smart adults who know that you want to be in their lives. “If you find yourself in this situation, it’s important to seek counseling for your individual circumstances with a qualified mental health professional.” Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD notes.

Being a mother to my three kids, I always knew that life would become so hard from the moment I got divorced. I can’t measure how unlucky I felt my marriage was. My husband cheated with another girl, and our relationship is all about lies, arguments, and betrayal. However, the things that kept me looking forward are my boys. I love them so much that I don’t want them to suffer. As much as possible, I tried to secure their emotional and mental health regardless of our failed relationship. But with all the effort of keeping them away from emotional and psychological damage, I made a mistake. Continue reading “Children’s Mental Health Struggle From Parental Alienation”