The focus of this article is the alienated or the targeted parent. Before further discussion, let us first define parental alienation. It is a term used to refer to a method or process of undermining the other parent by programming a child to hate the other parent. The primary goal of the alienated parent here is to destroy the alienated. The process usually occurs in conjunction with a child custody case. This involves legally abusing the other parent who has been marginalized and subsequently damaging her physical, emotional, and mental health. The alienating parent continues to marginalize the other parent after the sole custody case and the primary residence decisions of the court.
Stanton E Samenow, PhD, wrote, “The alienating parent despises the other parent so intensely that he considers this individual toxic to the child and of little value overall. The alienating parent may coach his son or daughter so that the child feels disloyal even to have a positive thought about the other parent.”
What happens eventually is that the non-custodial parent is most often subjected to stigma, frustration, shame, and devaluation. The non-custodial parent, as proven by research, is usually the father, which is why it is advisable for them to find ways and means to engage in productive activities to get rid of the negative emotions. Most of them are hesitant to seek professional help, and they are resistant to counseling and guidance. But those who are highly involved with their kids and then suddenly removed from their children’s lives may develop fear, lies, and depression.
“Targeted parents may present as anxious, depressed, and angry. At the same time, beneath these desperate situational reactions generally lies psychological health,” noted Susan Heitler, PhD.
The alienating parent, on the other hand, usually utilizes various tools such as flattery and contentment with material desires to win his/her child back. He wants so much to control his child, and his desire to do so is extremely powerful. Alienating parents are also emotionally sensitive and broken, and they feel a sense of entitlement, feeling like they know how to take whatever their child faces continuously. Some experts recommend removing child custody from the alienating parent and instead placing them under the care of the alienated parent, but this might be difficult to decide who is alienating and who is not. Additionally, Family Law judges are not well trained to delve deeper into family dynamics and child development.
Source: pixabay.com
Alienated parents are some of the saddest victims of parental alienation, as they can’t do anything unless they are given the opportunity to explain things to their children, which is not very easy since the children have a tendency not to listen. They have been previously ‘brainwashed’ by the other parent that their dad or mom is the cause of the divorce and listening to them would only make things worse. Alienating parents often win their custody case by destroying the other parent, which push him to engage in alienating behaviors. The target parent can only pray that the judge will go for co-parenting or a case of family violence due to the evidence of alienating behaviors, for him to be able to combat parental alienation. This also ultimately protects the well-being of the children.
Help For The Alienated Parent
Coping for the alienated parent will be difficult, sad, and devastating. You must keep your sanity intact for the sake of your children whom you love so much. Your mental health is as important as your life, and you must remember to move past the hurt and anger. Learn how to shift your negativity into positivity by changing your outlook on things.
On the other hand, you should also keep in mind that it is not your alienated child’s fault that you are in such a sad place now. Continue to love your child unconditionally and let her know that you don’t blame her. Hopefully, she will see your sincerity and will have the strength and realization that you are not her enemy.
Source: flickr.com
Seek professional help, like talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. Confide to a friend to release the unpleasant emotions. Cry if you must. It’s good medicine. Cognitive therapy also helps you restructure your way of thinking, and you are taught to say something good to yourself every day. It changes a negative thought into a positive one. Something like this: From this, “My daughter hates me, and she will never want to see me ever,” to this, “My daughter does love me and misses me, but right now she thinks she is doing the right thing and it’s painful for her as it is for me.”
Finally, be in the know. Understanding parental alienation will provide an emotional base that will help you make better decisions for you and your child.
Edward Kruk, PhD, wrote, “The only effective means to combat and eliminate parental alienation is to address it by means of a multi-faceted approach that involves fundamental changes to the present system of divorce, and alienated parents and their allies would be well-advised to channel their energies in this direction.”
Wondering about family therapy? Should there be turbulent seas in your family, consider family therapy as your beacon towards tranquility. Character traits or behaviors exhibited by family constituents are fundamentally linked with their upbringing. Usually, psychological issues that plague them have roots traced back all the way to traumatic childhood experiences like a pancreatectomy incident or episodes of parental alienation. This article discusses how family therapy helps its family members get the overall benefits of getting into family therapy.
Family therapy further provides an inclusive and nurturing platform to address these deep-seated issues within home structures and assist each constituent in overcoming them effectively, thereby creating a harmonious environment conducive to growth and prosperity-a surefire answer when times get tough.
Source: pixabay.com
As such, multifaceted problems call for an equally comprehensive solution–enter household therapy.
Family Therapy May Be Your Best Solution
Psychologists attribute a family member’s behaviors and attitudes to how they are brought up. Family members who have psychological problems tend to manifest because of childhood trauma such as pancreatectomy or parental alienation. This cements the link between mental and family health, as backed up by the findings of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
What Is Family Therapy? Is Family Therapy Applicable To Our Family?
Several ways exist for household therapy: some do it online, and some families opt for face-to-face therapy sessions with their family therapist. No matter what therapy avenue you choose or association you aproach, it’s most important that you go and take this step for your family.
Journey Towards Better Understanding Through Family Therapy
Family therapy is a form of therapy that aims to promote healthy family relationships by helping family members understand each other better. This type of therapy involves working with a mental health provider or other mental health professionals who specialize in functional family therapy or structural family therapy and are trained to address a variety of family issues. One family member may seek therapy to address their mental health condition or to navigate major life transitions. These topics are typically the main content of these sessions.
Improving Communication: Family Therapy And Resolving Issues
Marriage therapy can also be incorporated into family therapy sessions to solve family issues and improve communication among family members. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy recognizes the importance of family therapy in promoting overall family well-being.
Individual Vs. Family Therapy
Marriage and family therapists emphasize that individual or personal therapy is very different from family therapy. In personal therapy, the individual is the client; in family therapy, the family is the client.
Individual Family Therapy Vs. Group Therapy
Individual therapy focuses on how a person can cope with his existing mental health conditions and improve his day-to-day life. Individual therapy mainly consists of talk therapy wherein the mental health professional will engage patients to talk about their life experiences and difficulties. The professional would also recommend specific challenges or courses of action.
If necessary, your family therapist will also prescribe certain medications to cope with anxiety, depression, or insomnia.
The Heart Of Family Therapy: A Therapy For Improving Family Dynamics
On the other hand, families who have been through long periods of emotional distress due to dysfunctional family members, financial problems, chronic illness, or sudden deaths may opt to go through family counseling. Judye Hess, Ph.D. says that “group therapy can be more powerful and mutative than individual therapy.”
Rectifying Dysfunctional Families: A Journey Into Dynamics And Emotional Conditions
Family psychotherapy involves improving household dynamics and emotional conditions through the use of psychotherapy. The family therapist usually goes for a more encompassing approach compared to individual ones. They dig deep to uncover family issues and other underlying causes for dysfunctionality.
Why Choose Family Therapy?
“Family therapy says there are a number of people who are impacted by a problem, so everyone should work together and support the individual who has the problem,” explains Anthony Siracusa, Ph.D. Each has its idiosyncrasies and approaches to certain things.
A Cookie-Cutter Approach Doesn’t Apply To Therapy
Family Therapy Benefits
Family psychology, or family therapy offers a holistic approach to mental health by involving the entire family in the therapy process. The goal of family therapy is to promote healthy life by addressing mental illness and mental disorders that may affect family members.
By exploring past experiences and building coping skills, families can learn to communicate effectively and work together to overcome challenges. Family therapy may include couples therapy or individual sessions for family members as needed and can be an effective way to improve overall family functioning and well-being. The privacy policy of therapies like these are also great. These sessions provide a safe and private space for everyone to express their thoughts and emotions.
You already know the key differences between family and individual therapy. But what will convince you to try family therapy? Here are several of the key benefits that your family will enjoy.
1. Family Therapy Help Build Better Lines Of Communication
Several families have trouble keeping their communication lines open, according to mental health professionals. In this fast-paced world, it’s easier to text someone next door than talk to your father downstairs. Family dinners are becoming less frequent, with more spaces in between, as compared to about 30 years ago, when cell phones were not yet generally circulating in public.
Building lines of communication take work. Sadly, a lot of families don’t put in much effort anymore. However, the bright side is that through emotion-focused family therapy, a family therapist will walk you through the process of building better family relationships, and improve communication between and among family members.
2. Family Therapy Help Create A Better Understanding Of Each Family Member
Source: pixabay.com
When you are born into a specific family system, you tend to grow up assuming that everything in the world works that way. However, as you grow older, you learn that that is not the case: every unit has its system and each family member has different family roles. That role may have not been communicated well to other family members of the unit.
Other family members interact poorly and may have unmet expectations regarding other family members that could cause tension inside the entire household relationship. For example, a child may have been building resentment towards parents for failure to meet their expectations and help with their mental health problems. The marriage and family therapists could act as a mediator during family therapy sessions.
3. Family Therapy Help Cope With Specific Issues Inside The Family
At times, there may be issues specific to the household that has remained shoved under the bed for years. If left unresolved, these issues may have resulted in unnecessary tension between family members.
These issues can be very varied. It can include substance abuse, anger management issues, self-harm, or other behavioral problems. What a licensed marriage and family therapist does at this point is to help the individual first cope with issues. Then, comes the circle. The family members should be able to act in concert to help that particular family member.
In correcting bad habits, family members should be a person’s first line of support.
Lynn Ponton, MD points out, “Family therapy also helps create a sense of teamwork and reduce the sense of “it’s the child’s problem, not mine.”
Best Family Therapy Option For Families In Deep Emotional Turmoil
Family therapy is a form of therapy that can be used to address interpersonal conflict, including issues related to domestic violence.
A licensed professional, such as a social worker, with clinical experience can help families work through these issues in a safe environment. The Cleveland Clinic and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy both recognize the importance of family therapy in addressing domestic violence and improving family relationships.
Marriage and family therapy can be the best option for families in deep emotional turmoil. These troubled families may have long neglected their problems, to the detriment of their psychological health.
When children are brought up in a household with problematic behaviors, they tend to grow up as troubled and distressed adults. To break these family patterns, marriage and family therapy can help families cope with issues, help them understand their roles, resolve issues, resolve conflicts, and establish better lines of communication.
Frequently Asked Questions
What Is The Goal Of Family Therapy?
The primary objectives usually include strengthening communication, addressing household challenges, managing and comprehending particular domestic situations, and promoting a more effectively functioning home setting. The emphasis is on modifying and augmenting the ongoing interactions among family members while defining suitable boundaries to establish a healthier structure.
What Are The Disadvantages Of Family Therapy?
Once it begins, starting the self-reflective journey can change how you view certain situations. It can get tough, especially if others involved are unwilling to recognize and break unhealthy habits. As a result, one might feel sad, guilty, anxious, angry, or frustrated. This journey might also bring up hurtful memories and strain relationships in the family. Importantly though, such an introspective process has its limitations. The final outcome often depends heavily on the observer’s personal interpretations which can be subjective – meaning different observers may have differing views based on their own biases.
Can Household Therapy Make Things Worse?
Can an atmosphere of open dialogue lead to worsening conditions? Certainly not. Initiating discussions may sometimes seem to intensify the issue since it brings the concern into focus while aiding the resolution process.
Nevertheless, there could be increased stress, feelings of helplessness, and even anger. In certain cases, there might be new complexities that surface due to mismanaged dialogue or interaction. It’s crucial to remember that such drawbacks do not signify failure, rather they highlight areas needing more focused attention.
Besides, ineffective communication can pose a significant challenge. Sharing one’s thoughts openly and honestly is vital for meaningful conversation. Breakdowns in this process can lead to misunderstandings or strained relationships.
Equally important, dependency on these communicative environments should never undermine one’s sense of self-efficacy nor should it negatively impact professional reputation or social circles.
Who Is Involved In Family Therapy?
A professional with specialized training in psychology or therapy often provides assistance in resolving relationship issues and conflicts. Holders of advanced degrees may have credentials from respected organizations that specialize in human interaction dynamics.
How Do You Structure A Household Therapy Session?
The secret to leading an effective household meeting comes down to four main elements. To begin with, creating an atmosphere conducive to positive dialogue is integral. This step helps set the tone for uplifted spirits and open communication among all parties involved.
Secondly, establishing trust before the inaugural meeting plays a pivotal role in shaping future interactions. Laying the groundwork for solid trust early on not only encourages transparency but also fosters collective responsibility within the household.
Another crucial aspect is delving into understanding everyone’s specific roles clearly within the family. This practice guarantees smooth functioning and prevents potential conflicts or misunderstandings from arising due to role misinterpretation.
Finally, planning and incorporating activities between meetings proves beneficial too. Introducing shared tasks or events periodically maintains strengthened bonds along with enhanced constant communication amongst family members of the house.
Case in point; for continued productivity, you could consider restructuring your approach by alternating participation between adults one week and children on another week ensuring seamless functioning of these gatherings.
What are the basic concepts of family therapy?
What is the family therapy approach?
What type of therapy is best for families?
What are the 3 goals of therapy for families?
What is the success rate of family therapy?
What are the four stages of family therapy?
For which group is family therapy most effective?
What are the basic techniques of family therapy?
What are common family therapy techniques?
A strong family relationship requires a lot of effort. It doesn’t happen overnight. So when a family relationship crashes, members can expect an emotional resentment and harsh feelings that will soon lead to parental alienation. It is where one parent engages in the manipulation of children’s emotional aspect.
According to John M. Grohol, PsyD, “Parental alienation syndrome is a term coined by the late forensic psychiatrist Richard Gardner to describe a phenomenon he witnessed where children were being turned against one parent, usually as the result of a divorce or bitter custody battle.”
It is a tactic to convince kids that one parent is better than the other. That love and care get judged by what each parent tell the kids.
Source: pixabay.com
Susan Heitler, PhD, gave a clear example of parental alienation, “A divorced father of a 12-year-old boy who lives primarily with his mother says that his son insists that he does not want any contact with his father: “If I have to see him even in a therapy session I will hurt myself!””
However, parental alienation that takes place in the family is somehow hard to prove. Its signs are often invisible. One can quickly get away with it in court because proving it requires extensive observation, checking, and unbiased statements from children. So how can someone find proofs of parental alienation to win a case in court?
Recording Behavioral Patterns
Keeping a diary and writing everything out is one of the things people can do when they feel the presence of parental alienation. It serves as a record of anything that can happen in the house involving children. These include details of conversations and incidents with the other parent. However, it is significant to note that the written records from the accusations may be difficult to prove. The other parent may file a motion stating to change parenting plan. But as long as the parent starts gathering details of how much the other one spends time with the kids, there’s a possibility to state facts from a written journal. As long as it provides photographs, dated tickets, and even event or activity stamps, winning a case becomes achievable.
Taking note of any adjustments and a special request is also essential. Trying to use it to the other parent’s pushed boundaries in recurring parenting time is a great move. If communication is difficult, the parent can use the journal to keep all written communication. Saving copies of emails and texts are pieces of evidence too.
Source: pixabay.com
Awareness Of Warning Signs
One way to determine parental alienation is through the process of observing children. Their behavior and attitude can show a clue or a pattern of how the negative approach takes place. It is vital that the parent must recognize the kids’ interests and emotional weakness as these are the target areas of the alienators. Most of the times, the alienator’s approach tend to harm the kids’ development by feeding them with lies and distractions. That is the reason why children somehow become aloof, agitated, and inconsistent with their decisions. People call the outcome as alienation syndrome where children’s behavior runs in an irregular pattern.
Also, a visible warning sign of parental alienation is when children refuse to visit the other parent and limit their spending time with him or her. There’s not enough reason that chains the refusal but the alienator supports the kids’ decision not to see or spend time with the other parent. It has something to do with brainwashing and manipulating.
According to Sharie Stines, PsyD, “The system is created as the alienating parent rewards the children when they say hostile or angry things about the targeted parent by encouraging and displaying “understanding” for the children’s negative feelings, when what should really be occurring is the children should be taught to respect the other parent.” Code words and signals also matter. The secretive behavior of children is the result of an instruction from the other party.
Children’s Confession
Talking to kids is one the best way to know parental alienation. That’s because information a parent can get can be in full details when kids choose to open up about it. If one can listen to what kids are trying to say, the parent can connect differently from the other. Besides, nothing can correctly determine if alienation is present not unless kids are going to witness on the actions. An alienator will input ideas on the kids’ head that will make them think the other parent is no longer loving or caring for them. So before children believe everything an alienator will tell them, the other parent should keep open communication with the children. It is to stop alienator from feeding ideas that soon damages both the kids’ emotional and psychological balance.
Source: pixabay.com
As for the behavior, when children often parrot what the alienator says, it is a clear sign that there’s a parental alienation going on. That instead of kids explaining their sentiments and expressing their feelings, they’d instead choose to validate the alienator’s condition. There is also a consistent planting of thoughts about types of abuses that sometimes turns out to be just allegations. A parent must remember not to attempt or pry children to elicit potentially harmful information. That is because often thinking about significant events that are unnecessary may disrupt kids’ mental ability.
Parental alienation is an act of the other parent is trying to harm or distance the children from the other. So whenever one sees these signs, they have to make sure to immediately seek professional help before the condition gets worst and end up becoming a trauma. Both parents must understand that adult problems should not have to be the reason for children’s behavioral, psychological, and emotional dysfunction. Therefore, they need to realize their roles in children’s overall development.
Parental alienation is an intentional attempt of a parent to pull his/her children from the other parent, with the goal of destroying the other parent’s relationship with the children. According to John M Grohol, PsyD, “Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification.”
This attempt is usually done for several reasons, one of which is to punish the other parent because of something he/she had done. Or it may be that the alienating parent has some kind of a mental illness that he or she does not want to face and does not want to deal with the situation rationally.
Also known as parentectomy, parental alienation typically progresses over time, and there are several distinct signs that are associated with the syndrome.
Warning Signs Of Parental Alienation Syndrome
Encouraging Anger Toward Parent 2. When a mother wants to get even with his husband because of something he did, an example of alienation is her speaking ill about her husband directly to her kid or children. “In essence, the children are gaining acceptance from the narcissistic parent as they complain about the target parent,” wrote Sharie Stines, PsyD. She may blame their father for not being able to give them what they need because ‘your dad spent the family money on his new date.’ If the alienating parent couldn’t be more blunt, she/he would make a direct comment, such as, “Your dad/mom left us without trying to work things out with me.”
Source: revistanuve.com
Both statements are intended to make the child feel angry toward his other parent. The alienating parent obviously uses his/her child to cause pain to the other parent.
Conveying Negative Messages About Parent 2. Without saying it directly, the alienator uses body languages or gestures that will make the child think badly of his other parent. For instance, when the child asks parent 1 if parent 2 is going to be home for the Holidays, and the alienator (parent 1) doesn’t say anything and just looks at the child sadly. Kids are smart and can easily sense something, even if they’re not told details. They also become more curious when gestures are shown to them, and he surely would know that look on her parent’s eyes. He would then think that parent 2 wouldn’t be there for the Holidays for some reason more important than him.
Divulging Mature and Sensitive Details With The Kid. The legal issues of a separation or divorce are things that no child should deserve to know, and talking about these so the child will take sides (with the alienating parent) is an easy way to do it. This does not only push the child to think bad about the other parent, but he will most likely feel partly responsible for what happened to his parents.
Refusal To Co-Parent. Despite the divorce, parents should talk about co-parenting reasonably, and this the alienating parent doesn’t do. Parent 1 refuses to do this, telling his child or children that he just wants peace and no fights between him and the other parent. This sends a negative message to the children, as they will think that the other parent is the reason why they can’t be a complete family because of his/her temper.
Source: pixabay.com
Accusing Parent 2 Of Abuse. This may be too way below the belt, but yes, some alienating parents will go as far as accusing the other parent of physically and mentally abusing them, which is the reason why their relationship did not work. If the children are still very young, they wouldn’t try to comprehend this and will immediately blame and be angry at the other parent.
In The End
No matter where we look at it, the children suffer the most from parental alienation. “Severely alienated children have little if anything positive to say about the targeted parent and often rewrite the history of their relationship with the targeted parent,” wrote Susan Heitler, PhD.
Choosing between two parents because of unresolved issues is quite difficult for them, especially when they’re still too young. Divorce and separation are two issues that can destroy the children’s future and their way of thinking. It is vital that parents be willing to commit to co-parenting to attend to the needs of their children first and foremost. Their lives should not be destroyed because of their parents’ misunderstanding.
Upon deciding to start a family and get married, divorce is the last concept couples entertain in their thoughts. Frequently, couples are concern about the wedding and preparing for their future. However, whether people like it or not, divorce is a fact of life, and the incidence of divorce is quite common. It is normal to feel guilt, anger, and bitterness towards your spouse and life in general when undergoing a divorce process to the point of extracting or alienating the other parent from the child.
Divorce is frequently considered a significant life event. Statistics show that 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end up in divorce while succeeding unions have even higher chances of separation. It can affect not only the couples but most especially the children. Many children are deeply affected by the separation of their parents and its aftermath which can lead to different mental illnesses and suicidal tendencies individually if the divorce and custody were viewed as battles with winners and losers. Also, the effects of the divorce might be colossal if one or both parents are bitter and decides that removing the other parent from the child as a form of punishment.
The divorce affects not only the spouses but the children as well. More than anyone, it is the child who is significantly influenced by the situation most especially if they are in their formative years. More than the change of family dynamics, shattered expectations of a family and disruption of routines, it is the removal of a parent or significant family member in the child’s life due to divorce or legal separation.
Intentionally removing another parent in the child’s life is said to be one of the most unfortunate incidents in a child’s life. By nature, children look up to both of their parents for support financially, emotionally and physically and diminution of the presence of one parent can cripple the growth of the child and at the same time can lead to mental health problems. The removal of a parent in his/her child’s life is termed as parentectomy. It usually happens after a divorce or legal separation. There are varied reasons for parentectomy but it is generally done by the primary caregiver parent or someone who has full custody of the child. “The end of a marriage typically unleashes a flood of emotions including anger, grief, anxiety and fear,” Lisa Herrick, PhD and co-authors wrote.
Separation – one of the leading causes of parental alienation. The separation can manifest physically or emotionally.
When there is parental alienation, it’s not the parents who suffer the most but the kids. Majority of the children who are part of a broken family would still hope that their parents would get along in the long run. According to Sharie Stines, PsyD, some families may undergo “Attachment-based parental alienation is a complex and potentially harmful dynamic whereby a parent manipulates their children to avoid, reject, and disdain their other parent. It can be viewed as a symptom of the narcissistic paradigm and is often of clinical concern regarding the child’s healthy development.” But it turns out it’s not as easy as they thought it would be. The worst part is, one of their parents is compelled to alienate the other in the eyes of their children.
