Author: Janet Robertson

This pandemic situation is the number one cause of stress and anxiety of most people right now. And the victim of these mental illnesses is not limited to adults only. Children and adolescence also experience a different level of stress and anxiety that they sometimes cannot handle. So in times like this, it is essential that we also help the children cope with this pandemic.

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As we are all aware, kids and adolescence thrive on structure and predictability. They are good at understanding what is already in front of them. That explains the process of learning from experience where adults receive first-hand information, and then pass it to the children. But in this pandemic situation, everyone is adjusting in their lives simultaneously. Thus, it becomes a turning point for children to step up and try their best to match other people’s coping ability. But it doesn’t have to be that way. As adults, we need to find a way to help the children during this crisis because we are responsible for their overall wellbeing.

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Preservation Of Some Routines

Understandably, there are limitations and strict safety protocols the children must follow. Of course, we don’t want anything wrong to happen to them. But to help kids cope, we must allow them to look at the situation differently. We must understand that even if we are now working our progress to the new normal, we still have to retain some of the kids’ usual routines. These include playing, learning, and socializing. That is because some of us parents are becoming overprotective of our children that we hinder them from being kids. It shouldn’t have to be that way. We should not allow our kids to live their lives with fear and worries all the time.

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Unnecessary Input Of Negativity

As parents, it is okay that we level up our concerns to our children. We have to remind them of the disadvantage of the situation. However, we must understand that the way we deliver the words can significantly impact their outlook on what’s happening around them. We must learn how to slowly discuss negative information to our kids so that they will not feel a certain amount of emotional weight on their chest. If we haven’t noticed, kids are critical thinkers. It is possible that they may feel scared because they can’t do anything. They might think that some of us adults can’t handle our overall wellbeing, what more can them? With that, we must often talk honestly with the children to avoid confusion.

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Do Not Allow Isolation

Children are typically terrified of everything. That is their nature because they understand the insufficient knowledge and experience they have compared to adults. Thus, they remain dependent on us during this pandemic. But some parents are not aware of the danger of allowing kids to be alone, especially in a situation like this. So as parents, we must be there for our children. We need to let them know that being alone in this situation is not going to help anyone. We must not make them feel that home quarantine is design to keep them away from other people. We need to explain that this whole social distancing protocol intends to save lives and not to influence isolation.

Yes, it will be difficult for children to manage their lives because of the sudden changes they have to deal with. But we can help them with their struggle. As parents, we can make their lives easier as long as we try and understand their mental and emotional needs during this time.

It has been an eye-opening experience to attend the Parental Involvement Conference 2019. I did not want to admit that at first, but that’s the truth. It is especially helpful for the parents of young children like myself, who do not have particular parenting styles yet.

One of the ideas that stuck with me is, “Parents need to be present during the little ones’ formative years.” Here’s why.

Kids Learn The Best From Their Parents

Whenever people say that parents are the best teachers, I believe them. The reason is that they know their kids more than anyone else. They have an idea about their interests; they can develop learning materials that suit the children’s needs. And this role is crucial during their formative years.

Being Present Keeps You From Regretting The Lost Years

I have a friend who always left her young children at the care of her mother so that she could work full-time. Her husband abandoned them, and it was the only way to feed the family. But as the kids became a little older and closer to their grandmother than their mother, my friend regretted not being around during their formative years.

Can the lost times be brought back? Nope. All absentee parents can do at this point is to make sure that they are present now. 

Your Presence Can Lower The Chances Of Kids Straying Away In The Future

It is common to find parents at preschools. Sometimes, it is because they volunteer to help the teachers deal with the kids. Other times, it is because the little ones refuse to study unless they can see their mom or dad. 

The latter indicates the children’s dependence on the parents. Even if some people frown upon babying them in such circumstances, your kids will only remember that you are there when they need you the most. Thus, the memory may prevent them from going astray in the future.

Final Thoughts

There is no doubt regarding a parent’s determination to ensure that your kids will never experience hunger or poverty. Some even go as far as working overseas to guarantee that. However, if possible, try to be a permanent part of their formative years so that they can develop naturally.

 

Parents are facing big decisions during this pandemic time, especially in providing medical attention and education to their kids. Navigating to what is best for children somehow affects both parents’ emotional and mental capability since both of them are affected by the situation as well. There is too much pressure on who is supposed to be there with the kids. And during these uncertain times, one can take advantage.

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This current situation is a challenging time for those parents who share joint custody of their children. A lot of parents worry too much about what the kids are doing or who they are interacting with. During these times that the children have to switch back and forth, how is that affecting the kids’ lives? How can parents act on the kids’ exposure to other people when one of them is not around? How can parents secure the kids’ safety when only one of them is allowed to spend time with the children following a parental agreement?

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An Opportunity For Parental Alienation

On a case by case analysis, parental alienation can increase when one of the parents took advantage of the pandemic situation. If one of them becomes unreasonable, he or she might validate his or her action by stating the danger of the children’s exposure outside their home. Therefore, demanding and refusing for the children to travel or visit the other parent becomes an unbreakable rule of the one who is in charge. During this pandemic crisis, most parents that live separate lives together understand the danger of the situation. And both of them see it as an essential asset to an open opportunity to keep one parent away from the children.

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Key Steps In Keeping A Balanced Child Custody

In line with the issue of shared custody, one of the parents should not have to worry that much. That is because there are a few key steps that can help in protecting their custody rights from the other parent. These steps will work if both parties ensure to agree and follow parental agreement provided that it prioritizes the kids’ safety.

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1. The children need to have a routine where both parents can participate. The kids’ need a consistent schedule of doing different tasks in a timely manner. If in case the mom or dad can’t be there, one must allow the other to take the required spot to avoid keeping it empty. Both parents should agree to the set-up so no one can complain about who’s taking more time spent with the kids and who is not.
2. Communication is always the key to the situation. If one parent becomes too confident about his or her rights in shared custody, he or she might reconsider. That is because a long period of not seeing or interacting with either one of them can increase the chances of kids’ feeling left out by one parent. Thus, it can add to the uncertainties of parental alienation. So to avoid that from happening, both parents must communicate with each other and to their children as well.
3. Discussing the responsibilities and complications of the situation is a must. Custody agreements are still binding unless it gets legally modified. Therefore, there is no chance one parent can stop the other from visitation. That is regardless of the possible reason one parent presents to the other. So to avoid parental alienation, both parents should comply with their roles and responsibilities. That includes emotional, physical, mental, financial aids. Regardless of the pandemic situation, one or both parents should not use the global crisis as an excuse to disregard custody agreements.

When I attended the 2018 Parental Alienation Conference, I listened to stories of moms and dads with strained relationships with their kids after divorce. Most of them have joint custody, but a child won’t last longer than a few hours under their care because the little one is angry at the parent. Some end up resenting the child for choosing their ex instead of them.

I had seen it happen in person when my uncle divorced his wife a few years back. They had two young kids aged three and eight years old at the time. The mother spoke ill of the father, so the older kid chose to side with their mom and not see their dad. It happens in many households, especially if the wounds in the adults’ hearts are still fresh.
Nevertheless, if you have gotten the shorter end of the stick, and your child wants nothing to do with you, what should you do?
Continue Loving Your Kid
The best course of action is to keep on showing your child how much you love them. Even if they don’t look at you or answer your calls, give them everything they need. Remember that your kid is hurting, so you should try to understand their feelings.

Make Amends With Your Ex
Parent alienation may last for as long as you offend your ex. No matter what has caused the split, therefore, you need to be in speaking terms with them. That’s the only way to coax your ex to encourage the child to open up to you.
Wait Until Your Child Is Ready To Accept You Again
Nothing good comes out of forcing your angry kid to spend the day with you. Doing so may anger them more and widen your relationship gap. Instead, wait in the sidelines until their intense emotions subside.

 

Parent alienation does not end overnight. Estranged moms and dads must put in a lot of effort to make the children see that they will always be there for them. Don’t lose hope—your kids will eventually realize that.

Something that needs to be made clear is that it’s easy to understand the tendency of a parent to alienate their ex-partner. There manifests a need to validate one’s past choices, a need to have an ally, and especially a need to take solace in knowing that the child doesn’t take anything against the parent they live with. 

 

  Continue reading “How You Alienate Without Even Knowing It “

Broken marriages and conflict-ridden families are sad realities of our world today. While everyone is affected, the most challenging blow of pain is always received by the children.  

The heart-pounding reality is when once happy and beautiful marriages break apart in divorce, parents, who were just moms and dads before, start playing different roles in the life of their children. According to William Bernet, M.D. and co-authors, “We define parental alienation as a mental condition in which a child—usually one whose parents are engaged in a high-conflict divorce—allies himself or herself strongly with one parent (the preferred parent) and rejects a relationship with the other parent (the alienated parent) without legitimate justification.”

 

Continue reading “Can Children Really Unlove Their Parents? The Surprising Truth On Parental Alienation”

Ideally, parents and children have a bond that is incomparable to any other relationship. As it starts with the birth of the child, a healthy relationship grows over time. However, such is not the case for many. Unfortunately, there are many cases of abusive or negligent parents, and now, a relatively new term has made waves in many child custody cases. 

 

  Continue reading “Raising Kids When Your Partner Has Experienced Parental Alienation “

 

When one parent exerts effort in alienating the other, it can be due to a lot of different reasons that are usually concerning both parties. So how does one know if he or she is gradually being alienated out of his or her children’s lives?

 

 

The Messy Truth

 

Parental alienation occurs when a parent mentally manipulates his or her child into expressing hostility or fearing the other parent. Unfortunately, parental alienation is a common issue brought up in chaotic divorces. Worse, it can have an indelible, negative impact not only on the couple but also primarily on the kids. According to Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD, “the parent doing the bad-mouthing is called the alienator and the parent who is the subject of the criticism is the alienated.”

 

Any suspicion of parental alienation being perpetuated by your spouse must be dealt with. Before doing so, you first have to know what parental alienation looks like and how it is done.

 

Signs Of Active Parent Alienators

 

Psychiatry identifies the usual signs that the alienator is at work when:

 

 

1. The Child Displays Alliance With The Alienator

Children are allowed to be upset and angry towards their parents who are undergoing divorce. However, if the feelings become disproportionately addressed at you and are more in favor of your spouse, and if you notice that your children have been standoffish against you ever since you and your partner have separated, chances are, your ex-better half might be exacerbating circumstances in their favor. Children who side with the alienator usually exhibit this by refusing visitations, displaying overly defensive behavior regarding the other parent, or entirely blaming you for the separation. “Alienated children parrot the alienating parent’s excessively negative views of the targeted parent, expressing these as their own much as cult followers parrot the beliefs of a cult leader,” Susan Heitler Ph.D. says.

 

2. Your Child’s Belongings Are Heavily Controlled

Even if your spouse paid for your child’s belongings, he or she does not have any right to impose your child not to bring the items when he or she visits you. A good example would be a toy that was gifted by your spouse to your child last Christmas that he or she is not allowed to bring whenever the child goes to your house. The child now becomes conflicted whether or not it is still a good idea to see you without bringing the toy, especially if that item is his or her favorite. This kind of behavior done by your ex-partner is unnecessary and unfair because it creates a rift leading to parental alienation.

 

3. The Alienator Divulges Too Much To The Child

Children, especially those under 18 years old, are especially sensitive and are still incapable of fully understanding the gravity and scope of the situation or the reason behind the divorce. Their minds are incredibly susceptible; therefore, it is inappropriate to divulge and discuss specific details about the separation with the child. If you notice that your child is all-knowing of particularly sensitive subjects about the divorce, such as abuse, infidelity, or finances, you have to address this issue immediately.

 

4. The Alienator is Non-compliant

One of the most evident warning signs that your spouse is becoming an alienator is when children’s choices regarding visitation are disregarded. Non-compliance with court-mandated visitation rights is a usual scenario in divorce cases especially with minors who are not legally authorized to negotiate with the schedule. Remember, parents, are obliged to follow and ensure that visitation requirements are met. “Dealing with parental alienation is not easy. It can be exceedingly painful when your children resist your attempts to connect or view you as the “bad” parent, which is often the case,” Sharie Stines, PsyD shares.

 

 

Other signs of parent alienators are the failure to adequately communicate essential details about the child, undermining the other parent’s spousal authority, and using the child to spy on the other parent or gather personal information. Alienators will do what it takes to brainwash your child into thinking that you are the “bad guy,” which is why you have to be adamant in identifying parental alienation before your relationship with your child crumbles.