“Possession is 9/10 of the law” is a saying that expresses how the burden of something taken is on the person who is not in possession of said object. When it comes to the legal system as well as reality, it is true with children in the U.S. as well — & I don’t just mean physical possession:
When I caught my husband in a full-fledged affair with a married woman, I also discovered that much about him — his present & past — was a complete lie. (This discovery was necessary so I could take measures to live effectively, of course, but as for the way it shattered my trust in men, in myself, & God…)
Though still naive about the depths beneath his facade, one thing I did understand about my ex-husband to be was: money & possessions meant more to him than people, & that he believed he had the right to decide my life, my welfare, no matter what he chose to do. (He had also shown violence to me early in our “marriage” as I have touched on previously in this blog). According to the emails, the paramour’s husband found, my husband wanted this married woman for his next wife, even so, I knew he didn’t want me to make my own decision to leave him. I was afraid. I took all negatives of my kids’ film-developed photos and put them in a safe deposit box.
When the judge ordered him to leave our home, he took our daughter’s birth certificate. I gave him all photos he was in as well as a copy of her photos and any photo I had taken of his family.
I thought it very odd that he took our daughter’s birth certificate out of the home where my daughter was to live with me while he pursued the married woman he was after. But I was numb & still naïve about how far his controlling methods went.
Before I knew what happened, his plan to destroy my heart, my reputation, my finances knocked me off the balance I had been struggling to find after having had my sense of self battered for years by him: My opinions were often ridiculed. My feelings were not only insignificant, but to be toyed with. My plans for family and to better our marriage were sabotaged. My confidence was discouraged. My perceptions challenged with lies and secrets of his past & present behavior. He projected ill-intent onto my motives. I could never understand why he was so untrusting of me. One day he will realize he can trust me — then, then, things would be okay, maybe. If I could help him and my sons bond, if I could create joyful memories for our family, we’d be okay. We’d be safe from the threat of abandonment. We’d be a happy family! But even though he created conflict between my daughter and me as well as between my daughter and my sons (he had also worked to make me and his real estate partners mistrust each other) and my sons and me, I did not know he would use my daughter as part of his destructive plan.
Abandonment is much more serious business than I imagined because the legal system does not protect from abuse:
“DON’T INTERFERE WITH OUR PREJUDICES, OUR JUDGMENTAL ASSUMPTIONS, OUR DESIRE TO REMAIN BLISSFULLY IGNORANT… AND ESPECIALLY NOT OUR EGOS — DON’T MAKE US RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING YOU AND YOUR CHILD BY TELLING US THE UGLY TRUTH! WE ONLY RESPOND TO SIMPLE FIXES WHETHER THEY ARE FIXES OR NOT” says the judicial system as well as much of the “Christian” community with their actions that speak louder than words.
This is not just my experience; I hear from moms all the time who are silenced and advised by their attorneys to not speak the truth about what they’ve witnessed in concern with the parent trying to get custody. When these moms turn to friends, church members, & even family, their concerns are usually dismissed. Sadly, the Christian community has a history of minimalizing abuse & it’s effects. This only empowers the abuser to take possession of a child — not only with physical custody, but mentally, since kids look to other adults to reflect truth, justice, and protection. When distraught moms’ concerns are dismissed by the family court system, IT IS UNETHICAL. When evidence supporting these moms’ concerns is ignored, it is unjust, and the abuser gains possession because the child looks to what he or she perceives as the “right” one or the “strong” one. I get private messages almost every day from moms who are afraid to speak out because of the wrath of the abuser as well as the system that supports the abuser.
First of all, what is abuse? The author of “PAS: A Form of Child Abuse and More” writes: “Emotional abuse is not so easily recognizable because it does not leave physical bruises or scars, and the PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) child does not confirm the brainwashing but instead refutes it.” This author cites Dr. Richard Gardner: “A parent who inculcates a PAS in a child is indeed perpetrating a form of emotional abuse in that such programming may not only produce lifelong alienation from a loving parent, lifelong psychiatric disturbance in a child.” (Researchers) Garbarino and Scott labeled the PAS child as being “psychologically battered.”
Silencing and ignoring our cries for safety for our child by telling us we should be positive is a copout as a fellow citizen & human being & it IS WRONG.
Not only is silencing moms wrong, it is DANGEROUS for our children. One researcher states: “Because PAS is among the most severe kinds of abuse of a child’s emotions, there will be scars and lost opportunities for normal development.”
Studies show that abusive fathers are the ones most likely to seek FULL custody. That became the case with my daughter once her dad secured his fifth wife.
A controlling and abusive parent will use cult methods to gain mental possession of the child. When moms (as well as dads) share their experiences as a target of an abuser’s alienation, it seems that many of the abusers methods are similar: 1. They interfere with the child’s contact & time with the other parent (my ex blocked my calls & texts to my daughter’s phone & suddenly included her in on a business vacation trip when she had not been invited to his wedding or even Disney World with he & his latest wife before he decided to seek custody). This enables them to program the child against the targeted parent. This also creates a psychological dependency on the alienating parent. The judge granted my ex emergency custody without ever speaking to me and allowing me to present evidence that proved my ex had used boldface lies to obtain physical possession of my daughter. This gave my ex even more opportunity to further turn my daughter against me. Not only was my daughter cut off from me and fed promises of a happily ever after with her dad, her stepmom, & her stepbrothers, but she was discouraged to contact her extended family on my side. I know this because she told her brother “I don’t trust you” when he tried to contact her out in public at a downtown community event & she ran off when he told her she could talk to him. In addition, she would not return her grandmother’s calls — her grandmother who she had always enjoyed laughing & hanging out with was SUDDENLY completely ignored. Abusers always cut off sources of love & support. So do cult leaders.
2. Also cult-like in an alienator’s behavior is creating mental confusion in his or her child. Distortion of history, events, people, and ignoring of natural feelings are tactics used by a manipulative parent. Like a dictator does to a country of adult citizens, kids are fed the feelings, thoughts, beliefs, & desires the alienating parent wants them to have.
Experienced liars used their skills in court, and the system is all too willing to accept lies even when they contradict the evidence. Charm and money for legal fees and incompetent therapists combined with skillful lying will buy an abuser custody of a child in our U.S. court system.
3. Alienating parents lure and seduce with promises, age-inappropriate freedoms, flattery, and over-the-top attention. They may also create a “trauma bond” with sexual abuse, the cutting off of the other parent, or exposing & corrupting the teen to be involved in compulsive and unethical behavior. This “trauma bond” has been observed throughout history by domestic abuse victims and kidnap victims.
NO KID OF ANY AGE IS EMOTIONALLY PREPARED TO GO AGAINST PSYCHOLOGICAL TACTICS OF HIS OR HER OWN PARENT — TACTICS THAT ALSO SWAY ADULT STRANGERS.
Once an alienating parent has manipulated the child into going along with the parent who uses psychological methods to use the child as a weapon against the targeted parent, the court system, more often than not, gives in to the possessing parent (whether psychologically possessing or both physically & psychologically possessing parent), especially if that parent has the money to keep the court and legal harassment going at the expense of their child.
If a seductive girlfriend or boyfriend can turn a teen against this or her own parents, what can an experienced, charming parent accomplish when obsessed with the possession of his child & the torment of a former domestic partner?
If child possession is 9/10 of the law, then what do you need to do? Stop child possession — make sure kids know they were born with the right to freely love both parents & enjoy a healthy relationship with both parents & that it’s the parents’ responsibility to encourage this. Read & help share information about Parental Alienation to the village who has a responsibility toward the emotional and spiritual safety of a child as well as his/her psychological development.
And do NOT turn a blind eye to evil and blame the victim while claiming to be a Christian. Another alienated mom & I have discussed how some so-called Christian friends have treated us.
I live in fear for my precious child, who I am cut off from. Her own friend was shocked at the way her dad treated her when he picked her up from the EMERGENCY ROOM because a pit bull had mauled her nose. Yes, you would think that the law would do something, but, again, child possession is 9/10 of the law. Just ask the thousands of loving parents out there. Many are frightened into silence, but many of us are frightened of the silence about this devastating & destructive form of abuse to our kids. I am devastated just to consider the mental torment my daughter goes through to be in a situation she has been made to believe is her best & only option. The rest of our family is suffering as well.