Who am I to advise? I am an alienated parent hoping, praying, forgiving, loving my way and showing a way to my alienated child, as best I can.
“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically and especially on their children than the unlived life of a parent.” — Carl Jung
Alienated parents are often advised to keep reaching out to their alienated child, yet nurture their own mental health and create a positive life.
This feels impossible, at times, and when you do achieve an outward semblance of a positive life into which you continually and constantly hope to welcome your prodigal, you get told by those on the outside — those who have no clue to how torn up you are on the inside, that you should not be building a life for yourself without your child.
Now hear this: Alienated parents are not building a life without their children. If our child has been brainwashed into fearing, avoiding or even (often) abusing us via the silent treatment, cruel words, lies, threats, then there is little we target parents can do except to build a healthy model for them to see — even if from a distance. (And court only encourages hate and conflict to be expressed around the child — and that is abusive.) To not survive ourselves will teach our children to remain under the sickness of the abusing parent.
But our children are what motivate us to create a nest feathered in as much peace and joy we can possibly scratch out.
Experts in Parental Alienation (Dr. Craig Childress, for example) say children who are forced to reject a parent are forced into “splitting” of their personality. This is serious.
Experts say when kids are put into a position to have to play such a sick role to appease the abusive parent, it causes them further harm.
Experts say when kids are made to do this they feel guilty and so they in their minds must justify their own behavior by believing the targeted parent is really as hateworthy as the alienating parent has said and said and said and said…. What parent would want to cause more harm by involving their child in the no-win conflict. (If you have been able to muster the resources for family court, and won, then you probably were not up against a true sociopath in a corrupt system).
And when you judge the target parent, you increase this hateful belief in the mind of the child. Instead, try to help the alienated parent reach their child. If you do not have access to the alienated child, publically affirm that the child’s parent loves him/her. Publically stand against Parental Alienation just as you would for any type of abuse or any “worthy” cause. Judgment does NOTHING to help families. Silence AIDS ABUSERS. And if you’re not willing to learn more about parental alienation or to take a stand for the alienated parent’s broken heart and love for their child, at least show kindness. Showing kindness toward that parent may soften the alienated child’s heart and help that child open her heart to the love the targeted parent wants desperately to give, along with sharing the life the targeted parent has struggled to build.
“The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.” — Jung
Attempting to advise an alienated parent when you have never been targeted by an obsessed, extremely alienating, calculating, and manipulative parent with the help of his/her spouse and possibly other family members, only harms and helps the alienating parent undermine the parent-child relationship. Help by expressing support and care privately and publically to the alienated/target parent instead of supporting the message of the alienating, psychologically controlling parent with your judgment and silence. Point out the positive traits of the targeted parent and the life he or she is trying to create, despite the nightmare.
Parental Alienation Awareness week is April 16-26. Bubbles of Love Day is April 25. At noon, please spend 10 minutes blowing bubbles in support of children/teen/and youth’s natural right to freely love both parents and all family members. Parental Alienation has been called “the worst form of child abuse” by experts.