Bubbles of Love Day

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Please share & participate:  Please print this out & post in beauty salons, libraries, coffee shops, colleges, real estate offices, churches, the YMCA, ROLLAR SKATING RINKS, & ask local bands to give a mention & participate on behalf of kids of all ages who have the right to know they were born with the right to love both parents freely as well as all family members. The bubbles represent a child’s right to freely love both parents & all family members.  Parental Alienation is domestic abuse by proxy, child abuse, & harms the entire family. Submit the event to area newspapers and radio stations as well.

Without Understanding, We Can Hurt the Hurting

I wondered how I would live.

I had to for my other family members — I love them all so much.

But a huge part of my heart was assaulted.

My mind was full of terror.

It still is.

How can a protective mom conceive of a system that allows a former partner to prevent the protection of her child’s heart & mind & body?

But so far, my daughter & I have survived.

But she is not the same. We are not the same.

I no longer get to be her mom.

Her father’s hate divided us completely. Her sanity requires her to go along with her father, the one the courts gave power to.

How can I spend the rest of my life with this empty pain?

I am grateful for the blessings coming my way…

but nothing feels completely right.

Will she heal?

Will my family heal?

Peace, please!

numbness, horror, peace:  these three feelings take their turn with my heart, mind, and soul.

and then there’s anger.

anger at the injustice.
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anger at the judgers who added to the alienation and pain instead of trying to learn about this and doing something to help. they could have helped. but they did not bother to find out the unique circumstance that would call for a different approach. they could have contacted my daughter when her dad punished her with poisonous hate whenever I expressed care for my daughter. these friends could have intervened when everything I did to reach out only instigated more sick games by my abuser. games that were sure to scar my daughter more if I did not remove myself from his game. my child was not directed by her dad to avoid my friends, only me and the rest of her family. but where were those in a position to reach out & speak out? I was struggling just to function. faking it to make it. faking it to ease my daughter’s sense of guilt & responsibility.

Yes, my abuser is different than most.  He is both EXTREMELY obsessed, & he is very skilled at psychological manipulation. He has a history, it turns out, of getting away in the court system & otherwise. He is full of hate like nothing the average person can even imagine, so I understand some of the lack of concern — I never knew to be concerned to the extent that I’ve now been forced to do.

No one intervened to help my ex’s mother who was stopped from seeing her children when his father lied & claimed she was crazy so that he could be free from marriage and continue to hurt her. 

In the middle of it all, I am still unable to comprehend it — my mom is scared for my safety. (The night before last, I dreamt once again that my ex came to murder me. I am not saying he would ever do that to anyone, but… he has made threats not just to me, but others that would suggest he might want to.) My mom & I are both scared for my daughter’s safety, but the DAs office and child protective services have failed miserably.  Where’s the exposure to this type of abuse?

From the comfort of our favorite restaurants, church pews, & blissful ignorance, we judge the hurting.

We Christians want to blame the victim to avoid challenging our faith, not learn, but assume we know & understand what THAT PERSON can & needs to do.

As if that’s what Christ would have wanted: false assumptions and judgments pronounced out of ignorance. Would Christ want abuse to be silenced?

Jesus’ example was one of up-close action & involvement.

Many moms are aching & struggling with faith after abuse by an ex using their child as a weapon & then on top of that — a society that won’t help & what’s worse, Christian friends who judge.  Friends who could have been a liaison, a connection, however small, between a mother and child. Instead, friends proposed solutions that would not only NOT HELP, but WOULD WORSEN the situation. These friends had never dealt with a sociopath or Parental Alienation, so I completely understand why they would offer the suggestions they did, but in my deep pain & loss & fear for my child, their judgmental advice (of course I tried this & that — are you kidding me, but a dysfunctional, incompetent & corrupt system enabled my ex to twist my every move into a reason to manipulate my daughter into the courtroom to lie & abuse me — what would that do to her psyche? When the courts won’t enforce anything but my payment of child support, any ruling in my favor is simply fuel for my ex’s hate he pours into my daughter) in my vulnerable state (one counselor called my situation “helpless”)  felt like acid added with the hateful poison of my abuser.

These former friends know not what they do.

Help me, Lord, not to judge those who judge me. Judgment is cruel, indeed. To be cut off from one’s child, though is the cruelest… To know one’s child is swimming in hate & confusion is torment.  Yet, in the middle of this, I’ve lost two friends, & that certainly doesn’t help me or my child OR ANYONE SUFFERING FROM PARENTAL ALIENATION, which is aided by ignorance. (Some of the ignorance is because we CAN NOT tell the WHOLE story out of consideration for our child.) & I know this is true for other alienated moms who thank me in personal messages for being a voice for them.

But now I want to thank God for those who have not been judgmental — those who have made an effort to understand as best they can. Some have been long-time friends, some have been strangers.  God bless you.

Moms then

 

 

 

Child Possession is 9/10 of the Law

“Possession is 9/10 of the law” is a saying that expresses how the burden of something taken is on the person who is not in possession of said object. When it comes to the legal system as well as reality, it is true with children  in the U.S. as well — & I don’t just mean physical possession: 

When I caught my then husband in a full-fledged affair with a married woman, I also discovered that much about him — his present & past — was a complete lie. (This discovery was necessary so I could take measures to live effectively, of course, but as for the way it shattered my trust in men, in myself, & God…)

Though still naive about the depths beneath his facade, one thing I did understand about my ex-husband to be was: money & possessions meant more to him than people, & that he believed he had the right to decide my life, my welfare, no matter what he chose to do. (He had also shown violence to me early in our “marriage” as I have touched on previously in this blog). According to the emails, the paramour’s husband found, my husband wanted this married woman for his next wife, even so, I knew he didn’t want me to make my own decision to leave him. I was afraid. I took all negatives of my kids’ film-developed photos and put them in a safe deposit box.

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When the judge ordered him to leave our home, he took our daughter’s birth certificate.  I gave him all photos he was in as well as a copy of her photos and any photo I had taken of his family.

I thought it very odd that he took our daughter’s birth certificate out of the home where my daughter was to live with me while he pursued the married woman he was after. But I was numb & still naïve about how far his controlling methods went.

Methods.

Before I knew what happened, his plan to destroy my heart, my reputation, my finances knocked me off the balance I had been struggling to find after having had my sense of self battered for years by him: My opinions were often ridiculed. My feelings were not only insignificant, but to be toyed with. My plans for family and to better our marriage were sabotaged. My confidence was discouraged. My perceptions challenged with lies and secrets of his past & present behavior.  He projected ill-intent onto my motives.

I could never understand why he was so untrusting of me.

One day he will realize he can trust me — then, then, things would be okay, maybe. If I could help him and my sons bond, if I could create joyful memories for our family, we’d be okay. We’d be safe from the threat of abandonment. We’d be a happy family!

But even though he created conflict between my daughter and me as well as between my daughter and my sons (he had also worked to make me and his real estate partners mistrust each other) and my sons and me, I did not know he would use my daughter as part of his destructive plan.

Abandonment is much more serious business than I imagined because the legal system does not protect from abuse:

“DON’T INTERFERE WITH OUR PREJUDICES, OUR JUDGMENTAL ASSUMPTIONS, OUR DESIRE TO REMAIN BLISSFULLY IGNORANT…  AND ESPECIALLY NOT OUR EGOS — DON’T MAKE US RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING YOU AND YOUR CHILD BY TELLING US THE UGLY TRUTH! WE ONLY RESPOND TO SIMPLE FIXES WHETHER THEY ARE FIXES OR NOT” says the judicial system as well as much of the “Christian” community with their actions that speak louder than words.

This is not just my experience; I hear from moms all the time who are silenced and advised by their attorneys to not speak the truth about what they’ve witnessed in concern with the parent trying to get custody. When these moms turn to friends, church members, & even family, their concerns are usually dismissed. Sadly, the Christian community has a history of minimalizing abuse & it’s effects. This only empowers the abuser to take possession of a child — not only with physical custody, but mentally, since kids look to other adults to reflect truth, justice, and protection. When distraught moms’ concerns are dismissed by the family court system, IT IS UNETHICAL. When evidence supporting these moms’ concerns is ignored, it is unjust, and the abuser gains possession because the child looks to what he or she perceives as the “right” one or the “strong” one.

I get private messages almost every day from moms who are afraid to speak out because of the wrath of the abuser as well as the system that supports the abuser.

First of all, what is abuse?

The author of “PAS: A Form of Child Abuse and More” writes:  “Emotional abuse is not so easily recognizable because it does not leave physical bruises or scars, and the PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) child does not confirm the brainwashing but instead refutes it.”

This author cites Dr. Richard Gardner: “A parent who inculcates a PAS in a child is indeed perpetrating a form of emotional abuse in that such programming may not only produce lifelong alienation from a loving parent, lifelong psychiatric disturbance in a child.”

(Researchers) Garbarino and Scott labeled the PAS child as being “psychologically battered.”

Silencing and ignoring our cries for safety for our child by telling us we should be positive is a copout as a fellow citizen & human being & it IS WRONG.

Not only is silencing moms wrong, it is DANGEROUS for our children. One researcher states: “Because PAS is among the most severe kinds of abuse of a child’s emotions, there will be scars and lost opportunities for normal development.”

Studies show that abusive fathers are the ones most likely to seek FULL custody.  That became the case with my daughter once her dad secured his fifth wife.

A controlling and abusive parent will use cult methods to gain mental possession of the child. When moms (as well as dads) share their experiences as a target of an abuser’s alienation, it seems that many of the abusers methods are similar:

1. They interfere with the child’s contact & time with the other parent (my ex blocked my calls & texts to my daughter’s phone & suddenly included her in on a business vacation trip when she had not been invited to his wedding or even Disney World with he & his latest wife before he decided to seek custody). This enables them to program the child against the targeted parent. This also creates a psychological dependency on the alienating parent. The judge granted my ex emergency custody without ever speaking to me and allowing me to present evidence that proved my ex had used boldface lies to obtain physical possession of my daughter. This gave my ex even more opportunity to further turn my daughter against me. Not only was my daughter cut off from me and fed promises of a happily ever after with her dad, her stepmom, & her stepbrothers, but she was discouraged to contact her extended family on my side. I know this because she told her brother “I don’t trust you” when he tried to contact her out in public at a downtown community event. In addition, she would not return her grandmother’s calls — her grandmother who she had always enjoyed laughing & hanging out with was SUDDENLY completely ignored. Abusers always cut off sources of love & support.  So do cult leaders.

2. Also cult-like in an alienator’s behavior is creating mental confusion in his or her child. Distortion of history, events, people, and ignoring of natural feelings are tactics used by a manipulative parent. Like a dictator does to a country of adult citizens, kids are fed the feelings, thoughts, beliefs, & desires the alienating parent wants them to have.

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Experienced liars use their skills in court, and the system is all too willing to accept lies even when they contradict the evidence.  Charm and money for legal fees and incompetent therapists combined with skillful lying will buy an abuser custody of a child in our U.S. court system.

3. Alienating parents lure and seduce with promises, age-inappropriate freedoms, flattery, and over-the-top attention. They may also create a “trauma bond” with sexual abuse, the cutting off of the other parent, or exposing & corrupting the teen to be involved in compulsive and unethical behavior. This “trauma bond” has been observed throughout history by domestic abuse victims and kidnap victims.

NO KID OF ANY AGE IS EMOTIONALLY PREPARED TO GO AGAINST PSYCHOLOGICAL TACTICS OF HIS OR HER OWN PARENT — TACTICS THAT ALSO SWAY ADULT STRANGERS.

Once an alienating parent has manipulated the child into going along with the parent who uses psychological methods to use the child as a weapon against the targeted parent, the court system, more often than not, gives in to the possessing parent (whether psychologically possessing or both physically & psychologically possessing parent), especially if that parent has the money to keep the court and legal harassment going at the expense of his/her child.

If a seductive girlfriend or boyfriend can turn a teen against this or her own parents, what can an experienced, charming parent accomplish when obsessed with the possession of his child & the torment of a former domestic partner?

If child possession is 9/10 of the law, then what do you need to do? Stop child possession — make sure kids know they were born with the right to freely love both parents & enjoy a healthy relationship with both parents & that it’s the parents’ responsibility to encourage this. Read & help share information about Parental Alienation to the village who has a responsibility toward the emotional and spiritual safety of a child as well as his/her psychological development.

And do NOT turn a blind eye to evil and blame the victim while claiming to be a Christian. Another alienated mom & I have discussed how some so-called Christian friends have treated us.

I live in fear for my precious child, who I am cut off from. Her own friend was shocked at the way her dad treated her when he picked her up from the EMERGENCY ROOM because a pit bull had mauled her nose. Yes, you would think that the law would intervene on behalf of my daughter if not me & my family, but, again, child possession is 9/10 of the unspoken law. Just ask the thousands of loving parents out there. Many are frightened into silence, but many of us are frightened of the silence about this devastating & destructive form of abuse to our kids. I am beside myself just to consider the mental torment my daughter goes through to be in a situation she has been made to believe is her best & only option. The rest of our family is suffering as well.

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Random Thoughts

Originally posted on Family Court Victim :

So most days I have non-stop thoughts and worries about things that have happened during the past 20 months or more. Usually random and often triggered by something or other. I want it all documented. I want others to be informed and I also want my daughter to see it someday when she is old enough. She is entitled to know the truth of what has happened to us. But, most times, I just can’t sit down and write out long blog posts. I am too drained, too sad and too depleted with all that has happened. So, I have decided that I will start doing short random blog posts for those thoughts and worries. They may be random and / or off topic at times but I feel better once they are out there. I want everyone to know what my ex-husband, his new wife, this Judge and my former adoptive parents have…

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4 the Hell U “Caused’: Compassion, Not Guilt

Torn 2 Peaces:

Please share this with youth suffering from Parental Alienation. Remember: You are one tweet away from a reporter.

Originally posted on From Torn 2 Pieces 2 Peace :

“Responsible” for someone’s pain?  Your friend’s? Your grandmother’s? Your sister’s? Your own?

Some decisions & behaviors & words cause more pain than others: If you have been put between your parents’ issues, then you may have “sided” with one parent, even to the point of lying about, accusing, ignoring, & saying hateful things to & about your other parent. If so, then, well, that’s a hell of a lot of pain.  For you, too. That’s not just a hell of a lot of pain for you & your other parent, that’s a burden.  A burden that can cause you confusion & depression & self-disgust or denial. You are not alone, so speak out.luv urself You have been abused if you have been used as a weapon to hurt your other parent. That’s like a super burden & unbelievable pain, so speak out. It’s wrong.  It’s confusing to the point of crazy-making. Don’t believe you are crazy…

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PLEASE SIGN and SHARE this petition. I am trying to get as many signatures as I can. Thank you for taking the time.

Torn 2 Peaces:

I just finished a drill weekend. Like anyone in the army knows, there is much waiting in line during health assessments. A soldier behind me in line asked me about what brought me so far away from home & about my family, etc. Such questions kept me at home & isolated the first year I moved away after a painful custody battle that included severe alienation & false accusations & seeing my daughter’s emotional health get seriously compromised, while I was left helplessly outside watching the courts and her father create more drama, blame & hate with every (often expensive) attempt I made on her behalf. The soldier I was speaking to could not believe my (& my daughter’s) story:

“I would just think the law and protective services would step in and look out for your daughter. Even bad, abusive parents who are drug addicts have rights.”

I nodded. Yes, that’s what I thought — but the alienating parent creates a plan that traps you before you know it — then your child and family court become tools to abuse many of us moms emotionally, financially, & socially: You get cut out, blamed, even though domestic abuse by proxy as well as psychological child abuse is obvious even to your teen’s friends, but the “professionals” involved in the system don’t care. The message they send about not caring adds damage to the psyche; even so, the entire system refuses to even look into what is really going on. “Is this just where you’re from?” he asked. Once I thought my story was so so wrong, cruel & unjust that I assumed it was isolated. Out of shock and trauma and knowing others would find my story unbelievable, I didn’t speak about it. Plus, it’s hard to do without bursting into tears. More moms are starting to speak out. Unfortunately, I have learned that “No, this does not just go on where I’m from. Parental Alienation happens all over the country and the courts are allowing it.”

Originally posted on Family Court Victim :

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Survey For NonCustodial Mothers by a NonCustodial Mom

“I lost custody of my children in 2007 and haven’t seen them since. I recently began a women and gender studies class and decided to work on the issue of non-custodial mothers as my way of beginning to fight back.

If you would be willing would you post the following in any non-custodial mothers groups you are a member of or own and encourage members to fill it out and share the questionnaire with other non-custodial mothers I would very much appreciate it. Every bit of information helps to raise awareness of this issue.

I hope to publish the final project with a goal to encourage further research and program development for our support and for our children. I found I had to do something to fight back and this is helping me personally as well as in my certificate program. I appreciate your concern and if you chose to answer no I understand.

Possibly you could fill it out yourself and then make your decision to share or not? I’m hoping to get as many non-custodial moms involved as possible. The more the better. Thank you for your time and consideration *This is what I’m hoping you will post to your group. *

I’m Dee Ansbergs and I’m working on a project in my women and gender studies certificate program based in my own experience in losing custody of my children. I found I had to find a way to fight back. To this end I’ve created a questionnaire about non-custodial mother’s experiences that I hope you will all participate in by completing it.

The more data we compile the better. This will raise awareness of our situations and I hope, lead to further research and changes that will benefit our children and us as mothers. The following is the link to the survey.

There is a question that asks where you heard about this project and I hope that you will include that information. Also a place where you can ask for a copy of the completed project if you wish.

https://usu.co1.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_cSj8dO7ylzF3uGV

Survey Study For Noncustodial Moms Linkmandella

You are my heroes!”

Dee Ansbergs,

Utah State University

suffering