I feel compelled to tell my story because I am a writer and I thought it might be a good idea to write about my parental alienation experience. You see, I have really been trying to not feel the pain, anger and injustice I feel about what has happened. I don’t know whether that is healthy or not, but it is where I am right now in this moment during this painful journey. Writing about it may change that, it may help others, I’m not sure. I am just going to put it out there.
I had my first child when I was 16 years old. A little girl, her dad and I were married, but not for long, we were both young. I didn’t really “parent” her, she was more like a sister and my sweet grandmother with whom we lived helped out so much. When my daughter was four years old I met the man that would destroy our lives. We married when she was 11 and I began having children with him shortly thereafter. He was emotionally and physically abusive but I was numb to that, my parents had been the same way. I did not realize that I was numb to it until he and I were divorced. We were married for 13 years and from that union came four beautiful children, 3 boys and a little girl.
I was a stay at home mom, I home schooled my children, we were very close. Their father was not involved with parenting or care giving. He provided a paycheck and other than that he was content to have me keep the children out of his hair. His abuse affected us in ways that I did not clearly see until I was out of the relationship.
One day in mid autumn my oldest daughter, then 19, left home one day while I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest, and left a note on her bed letting my know that my husband has sexually abused her the night before and that she was leaving, in a good place and she loved me. She stated in her note that she knew that if she had come to me and I had left him, I would just go back to him. She had good reason to believe this, as that had been the pattern of her childhood.
I eventually did leave him for good. I also won sole custody of all my children. Shortly thereafter, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to the abuse we had endured for years. I was a single mom struggling to raise my children alone. Their father was continually abusive during this time. He would send me terrible emails and texts, I was unable to get a restraining order as they were not life threatening, just degrading and cruel. There are no laws to stop someone from verbally abusing you unless they are threatening to physically harm you. Bullying laws seem to only apply to school children.(Grown ups are supposed to know better) My doctor put me on several different medication for my PTSD and depression. These medications albeit they were given and monitored by a physician, changed me. I started having breakdowns and feeling suicidal, I did not realize what was happening to me and my doctor didn’t seem to notice anything. The meds did take away my panic attacks so I guess he thought they were successful. After I was weaned off them at my request, I switched doctors and was informed that I had been given 4 times the appropriate amount. My breakdowns led to CPS getting involved. Their father lived in another state and even though he could not pass a background check in either state, he ended up with my children. There was testimony and witnesses to his past abuse, he had been arrested multiple times for domestic violence against me but the judge looked the other way. I tried to explain that I would not have had PTSD or been in the situation I was in if it had not been for his abuse. No one cared. He left the state I lived in with my children two years ago and I have not seen them since. He let me talk to them at first, as long as he monitored the calls or Skype. He started living with a young girl my daughter’s age and told my children that she is their real mother and that I threw them away and that is why I don’t call them anymore. I don’t call anymore because he changed his #. I have been sending them birthday and Christmas gifts, but he has moved and I don’t know their new address.
I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I don’t know what to do. I have consulted several attorneys, however, the retainer for a case like mine with so many children and having to cross state lines is enormous.
The pain never goes away. Everything reminds me of them. I hate seeing my friend’s posts and pictures of their children on facebook. Most recently was all the back to school pictures. I am haunted by memories, there is a giant hole in my life. When there is a news alert in the area of the country I know they live about a missing child, disease that is spreading, anything that could be about them, I lose my mind.
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO NOT BE THEIR MOTHER!!!!!
The degree to which this is harming them is immeasurable. They know me, they love me and even if they believe his lies about me deserting them, THAT will impact them negatively too. He told me in an email, (that the judge ignored) that he didn’t really want the children, he just wanted to punish me for leaving him.
Anyway, I am remarried to a good guy this time. Life is bittersweet, I have a strong faith in God and believe that ultimately He is in control of this unthinkable situation and I have trusted my children to Him. God has not changed my situation, but I have peace because I have Him. It has not, however, alleviated the grieving process.
There is no closure….
They are out there somewhere….
Being told that their mother doesn’t love them anymore….