Child Possession is 9/10 of the Law

“Possession is 9/10 of the law” is a saying that expresses how the burden of something taken is on the person who is not in possession of said object. When it comes to the legal system as well as reality, it is true with children  in the U.S. as well — & I don’t just mean physical possession: 

When I caught my husband in a full-fledged affair with a married woman, I also discovered that much about him — his present & past — was a complete lie. (This discovery was necessary so I could take measures to live effectively, of course, but as for the way it shattered my trust in men, in myself, & God…)

Though still naive about the depths beneath his facade, one thing I did understand about my ex-husband to be was: money & possessions meant more to him than people, & that he believed he had the right to decide my life, my welfare, no matter what he chose to do. (He had also shown violence to me early in our “marriage” as I have touched on previously in this blog). According to the emails, the paramour’s husband found, my husband wanted this married woman for his next wife, even so, I knew he didn’t want me to make my own decision to leave him. I was afraid. I took all negatives of my kids’ film-developed photos and put them in a safe deposit box.

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When the judge ordered him to leave our home, he took our daughter’s birth certificate.  I gave him all photos he was in as well as a copy of her photos and any photo I had taken of his family.

I thought it very odd that he took our daughter’s birth certificate out of the home where my daughter was to live with me while he pursued the married woman he was after. But I was numb & still naïve about how far his controlling methods went.

Methods.

Before I knew what happened, his plan to destroy my heart, my reputation, my finances knocked me off the balance I had been struggling to find after having had my sense of self battered for years by him: My opinions were often ridiculed. My feelings were not only insignificant, but to be toyed with. My plans for family and to better our marriage were sabotaged. My confidence was discouraged. My perceptions challenged with lies and secrets of his past & present behavior.  He projected ill-intent onto my motives. I could never understand why he was so untrusting of me.  One day he will realize he can trust me — then, then, things would be okay, maybe. If I could help him and my sons bond, if I could create joyful memories for our family, we’d be okay. We’d be safe from the threat of abandonment. We’d be a happy family! But even though he created conflict between my daughter and me as well as between my daughter and my sons (he had also worked to make me and his real estate partners mistrust each other) and my sons and me, I did not know he would use my daughter as part of his destructive plan.

Abandonment is much more serious business than I imagined because the legal system does not protect from abuse:

“DON’T INTERFERE WITH OUR PREJUDICES, OUR JUDGMENTAL ASSUMPTIONS, OUR DESIRE TO REMAIN BLISSFULLY IGNORANT…  AND ESPECIALLY NOT OUR EGOS — DON’T MAKE US RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING YOU AND YOUR CHILD BY TELLING US THE UGLY TRUTH! WE ONLY RESPOND TO SIMPLE FIXES WHETHER THEY ARE FIXES OR NOT” says the judicial system as well as much of the “Christian” community with their actions that speak louder than words.

This is not just my experience; I hear from moms all the time who are silenced and advised by their attorneys to not speak the truth about what they’ve witnessed in concern with the parent trying to get custody. When these moms turn to friends, church members, & even family, their concerns are usually dismissed. Sadly, the Christian community has a history of minimalizing abuse & it’s effects. This only empowers the abuser to take possession of a child — not only with physical custody, but mentally, since kids look to other adults to reflect truth, justice, and protection. When distraught moms’ concerns are dismissed by the family court system, IT IS UNETHICAL. When evidence supporting these moms’ concerns is ignored, it is unjust, and the abuser gains possession because the child looks to what he or she perceives as the “right” one or the “strong” one. I get private messages almost every day from moms who are afraid to speak out because of the wrath of the abuser as well as the system that supports the abuser.

First of all, what is abuse?  The author of “PAS: A Form of Child Abuse and More” writes:  “Emotional abuse is not so easily recognizable because it does not leave physical bruises or scars, and the PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) child does not confirm the brainwashing but instead refutes it.” This author cites Dr. Richard Gardner: “A parent who inculcates a PAS in a child is indeed perpetrating a form of emotional abuse in that such programming may not only produce lifelong alienation from a loving parent, lifelong psychiatric disturbance in a child.”  (Researchers) Garbarino and Scott labeled the PAS child as being “psychologically battered.”

Silencing and ignoring our cries for safety for our child by telling us we should be positive is a copout as a fellow citizen & human being & it IS WRONG.

Not only is silencing moms wrong, it is DANGEROUS for our children. One researcher states: “Because PAS is among the most severe kinds of abuse of a child’s emotions, there will be scars and lost opportunities for normal development.”

Studies show that abusive fathers are the ones most likely to seek FULL custody.  That became the case with my daughter once her dad secured his fifth wife.

A controlling and abusive parent will use cult methods to gain mental possession of the child. When moms (as well as dads) share their experiences as a target of an abuser’s alienation, it seems that many of the abusers methods are similar:  1. They interfere with the child’s contact & time with the other parent (my ex blocked my calls & texts to my daughter’s phone & suddenly included her in on a business vacation trip when she had not been invited to his wedding or even Disney World with he & his latest wife before he decided to seek custody). This enables them to program the child against the targeted parent. This also creates a psychological dependency on the alienating parent. The judge granted my ex emergency custody without ever speaking to me and allowing me to present evidence that proved my ex had used boldface lies to obtain physical possession of my daughter. This gave my ex even more opportunity to further turn my daughter against me. Not only was my daughter cut off from me and fed promises of a happily ever after with her dad, her stepmom, & her stepbrothers, but she was discouraged to contact her extended family on my side. I know this because she told her brother “I don’t trust you” when he tried to contact her out in public at a downtown community event & she ran off when he told her she could talk to him. In addition, she would not return her grandmother’s calls — her grandmother who she had always enjoyed laughing & hanging out with was SUDDENLY completely ignored. Abusers always cut off sources of love & support.  So do cult leaders.

2. Also cult-like in an alienator’s behavior is creating mental confusion in his or her child. Distortion of history, events, people, and ignoring of natural feelings are tactics used by a manipulative parent. Like a dictator does to a country of adult citizens, kids are fed the feelings, thoughts, beliefs, & desires the alienating parent wants them to have.

for Wendy

Experienced liars used their skills in court, and the system is all too willing to accept lies even when they contradict the evidence.  Charm and money for legal fees and incompetent therapists combined with skillful lying will buy an abuser custody of a child in our U.S. court system.

3. Alienating parents lure and seduce with promises, age-inappropriate freedoms, flattery, and over-the-top attention. They may also create a “trauma bond” with sexual abuse, the cutting off of the other parent, or exposing & corrupting the teen to be involved in compulsive and unethical behavior. This “trauma bond” has been observed throughout history by domestic abuse victims and kidnap victims.

NO KID OF ANY AGE IS EMOTIONALLY PREPARED TO GO AGAINST PSYCHOLOGICAL TACTICS OF HIS OR HER OWN PARENT — TACTICS THAT ALSO SWAY ADULT STRANGERS.

Once an alienating parent has manipulated the child into going along with the parent who uses psychological methods to use the child as a weapon against the targeted parent, the court system, more often than not, gives in to the possessing parent (whether psychologically possessing or both physically & psychologically possessing parent), especially if that parent has the money to keep the court and legal harassment going at the expense of their child.

If a seductive girlfriend or boyfriend can turn a teen against this or her own parents, what can an experienced, charming parent accomplish when obsessed with the possession of his child & the torment of a former domestic partner?

If child possession is 9/10 of the law, then what do you need to do? Stop child possession — make sure kids know they were born with the right to freely love both parents & enjoy a healthy relationship with both parents & that it’s the parents’ responsibility to encourage this. Read & help share information about Parental Alienation to the village who has a responsibility toward the emotional and spiritual safety of a child as well as his/her psychological development.

And do NOT turn a blind eye to evil and blame the victim while claiming to be a Christian. Another alienated mom & I have discussed how some so-called Christian friends have treated us.

I live in fear for my precious child, who I am cut off from. Her own friend was shocked at the way her dad treated her when he picked her up from the EMERGENCY ROOM because a pit bull had mauled her nose. Yes, you would think that the law would do something, but, again, child possession is 9/10 of the law. Just ask the thousands of loving parents out there. Many are frightened into silence, but many of us are frightened of the silence about this devastating & destructive form of abuse to our kids. I am devastated just to consider the mental torment my daughter goes through to be in a situation she has been made to believe is her best & only option. The rest of our family is suffering as well.

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Random Thoughts

Originally posted on Family Court Victim :

So most days I have non-stop thoughts and worries about things that have happened during the past 20 months or more. Usually random and often triggered by something or other. I want it all documented. I want others to be informed and I also want my daughter to see it someday when she is old enough. She is entitled to know the truth of what has happened to us. But, most times, I just can’t sit down and write out long blog posts. I am too drained, too sad and too depleted with all that has happened. So, I have decided that I will start doing short random blog posts for those thoughts and worries. They may be random and / or off topic at times but I feel better once they are out there. I want everyone to know what my ex-husband, his new wife, this Judge and my former adoptive parents have…

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4 the Hell U “Caused’: Compassion, Not Guilt

Torn 2 Peaces:

Please share this with youth suffering from Parental Alienation. Remember: You are one tweet away from a reporter.

Originally posted on From Torn 2 Pieces 2 Peace :

“Responsible” for someone’s pain?  Your friend’s? Your grandmother’s? Your sister’s? Your own?

Some decisions & behaviors & words cause more pain than others: If you have been put between your parents’ issues, then you may have “sided” with one parent, even to the point of lying about, accusing, ignoring, & saying hateful things to & about your other parent. If so, then, well, that’s a hell of a lot of pain.  For you, too. That’s not just a hell of a lot of pain for you & your other parent, that’s a burden.  A burden that can cause you confusion & depression & self-disgust or denial. You are not alone, so speak out.luv urself You have been abused if you have been used as a weapon to hurt your other parent. That’s like a super burden & unbelievable pain, so speak out. It’s wrong.  It’s confusing to the point of crazy-making. Don’t believe you are crazy…

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PLEASE SIGN and SHARE this petition. I am trying to get as many signatures as I can. Thank you for taking the time.

Torn 2 Peaces:

I just finished a drill weekend. Like anyone in the army knows, there is much waiting in line during health assessments. A soldier behind me in line asked me about what brought me so far away from home & about my family, etc. Such questions kept me at home & isolated the first year I moved away after a painful custody battle that included severe alienation & false accusations & seeing my daughter’s emotional health get seriously compromised, while I was left helplessly outside watching the courts and her father create more drama, blame & hate with every (often expensive) attempt I made on her behalf. The soldier I was speaking to could not believe my (& my daughter’s) story:

“I would just think the law and protective services would step in and look out for your daughter. Even bad, abusive parents who are drug addicts have rights.”

I nodded. Yes, that’s what I thought — but the alienating parent creates a plan that traps you before you know it — then your child and family court become tools to abuse many of us moms emotionally, financially, & socially: You get cut out, blamed, even though domestic abuse by proxy as well as psychological child abuse is obvious even to your teen’s friends, but the “professionals” involved in the system don’t care. The message they send about not caring adds damage to the psyche; even so, the entire system refuses to even look into what is really going on. “Is this just where you’re from?” he asked. Once I thought my story was so so wrong, cruel & unjust that I assumed it was isolated. Out of shock and trauma and knowing others would find my story unbelievable, I didn’t speak about it. Plus, it’s hard to do without bursting into tears. More moms are starting to speak out. Unfortunately, I have learned that “No, this does not just go on where I’m from. Parental Alienation happens all over the country and the courts are allowing it.”

Originally posted on Family Court Victim :

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Survey For NonCustodial Mothers by a NonCustodial Mom

“I lost custody of my children in 2007 and haven’t seen them since. I recently began a women and gender studies class and decided to work on the issue of non-custodial mothers as my way of beginning to fight back.

If you would be willing would you post the following in any non-custodial mothers groups you are a member of or own and encourage members to fill it out and share the questionnaire with other non-custodial mothers I would very much appreciate it. Every bit of information helps to raise awareness of this issue.

I hope to publish the final project with a goal to encourage further research and program development for our support and for our children. I found I had to do something to fight back and this is helping me personally as well as in my certificate program. I appreciate your concern and if you chose to answer no I understand.

Possibly you could fill it out yourself and then make your decision to share or not? I’m hoping to get as many non-custodial moms involved as possible. The more the better. Thank you for your time and consideration *This is what I’m hoping you will post to your group. *

I’m Dee Ansbergs and I’m working on a project in my women and gender studies certificate program based in my own experience in losing custody of my children. I found I had to find a way to fight back. To this end I’ve created a questionnaire about non-custodial mother’s experiences that I hope you will all participate in by completing it.

The more data we compile the better. This will raise awareness of our situations and I hope, lead to further research and changes that will benefit our children and us as mothers. The following is the link to the survey.

There is a question that asks where you heard about this project and I hope that you will include that information. Also a place where you can ask for a copy of the completed project if you wish.

https://usu.co1.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_cSj8dO7ylzF3uGV

Survey Study For Noncustodial Moms Linkmandella

You are my heroes!”

Dee Ansbergs,

Utah State University

suffering

 

Have U been “Gaslighted”? If U R at all Confused about Yourself…

Torn 2 Peaces:

This is a blog for youth, but the information here applies to adults as well.

Originally posted on From Torn 2 Pieces 2 Peace :

If you are wondering why you feel or act the way you do, image maybe someone  (a girlfriend, a parent, a boss…) is GASLIGHTING you:

Know anyone who is angry, hurt, sad, & maybe even feeling crazy?

The “crazy” feelings & behavior could be a natural reaction to something very real that is actually happening to him or her, but there have been no words to help anyone see & identify the form of abuse your friend may be enduring.

The good news is, there are probably terms out there that can help explain why your friend is feeling depressed & confused. Understanding these terms may be a first step in understanding your rights as a person no matter how young or old you are.

(If you’ve read the George Orwell novel, Animal Farm, you’ve seen how Orwell illustrates confusion & control via “gaslighting”.)

In this blog, some vocabulary will be…

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Welcome To Protective Mothers’ Alliance International

Torn 2 Peaces:

Share this resource. Together, we can create positive change.

Originally posted on Protective Mothers' Alliance International: The Guardian of Truth Blog:

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WELCOME TO PROTECTIVE MOTHERS’ ALLIANCE INTERNATIONAL( PMA Intl. )

Protective Mothers Alliance International(PMA INTL). is an international protective mother-driven organization that includes a global network of like-minded organizations working as a team for positive change. Protective Mothers Alliance International (PMA) is co founded by Lundy Bancroft and Janice Levinson, with Janice Levinson as Executive Director. The PMA INTL family consists of protective mother-driven advocates working together as a tight team for change. PMA INTL is working toward bringing about dramatic reform in family court for protective mothers and their children. PMA INTL. advocates for change through education, community and media outreach and other creative strategies that may be effective and beneficial. PMA INTL. supports the efforts of protective mothers in keeping themselves and their children safe from the abuse of a former partner, and in empowering these mothers to become advocates for themselves and others. PMA INTL. has several…

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