What Does a Severely Alienated Child look like in Parental Alienation Syndrome

Torn 2 Peaces:

This describes how my ex sister-in-law treats her mom and how her brother has taught my daughter to hate me as well…. I hope this information will help someone avoid this sick and unnecessary situation.

Originally posted on Public Lies:

What Does a Severely Alienated Child look like?

Copyright 1998 by Douglas Darnall, Ph.D.

  • The child has a relentless hatred for towards the targeted parent.
  • The child parrots the Obsessed Alienator, and makes statements against the targeted parent.
  • The child does not want to visit or spend any time with the targeted parent.
  • Many of the child’s beliefs are enmeshed with the alienator.
  • The child’s stated beliefs are delusional and frequently irrational.
  • The child is not intimidated by the court.
  • Frequently, the child’s reasons are not based on personal experiences with the targeted parent.  Instead, the reasons reflect what the child is told by the Obsessed Alienator.The child has difficulty making any differentiation between the two.
  • The child has no ambivalence in his feelings; it’s all hatred, with no ability to see the good.  (Black and White thinking)
  • The child has no capacity to feel guilty about how he or…

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I feel compelled to tell my story because I am a writer and I thought it might be a good idea to write about my parental alienation experience. You see, I have really been trying to not feel the pain, anger and injustice I feel about what has happened. I don’t know whether that is healthy or not, but it is where I am right now in this moment during this painful journey. Writing about it may change that, it may help others, I’m not sure. I am just going to put it out there.

I had my first child when I was 16 years old. A little girl, her dad and I were married, but not for long, we were both young. I didn’t really “parent” her, she was more like a sister and my sweet grandmother with whom we lived helped out so much. When my daughter was four years old I met the man that would destroy our lives. We married when she was 11 and I began having children with him shortly thereafter. He was emotionally and physically abusive but I was numb to that, my parents had been the same way. I did not realize that I was numb to it until he and I were divorced. We were married for 13 years and from that union came four beautiful children, 3 boys and a little girl.

I was a stay at home mom, I home schooled my children, we were very close. Their father was not involved with parenting or care giving. He provided a paycheck and other than that he was content to have me keep the children out of his hair. His abuse affected us in ways that I did not clearly see until I was out of the relationship.

One day in mid autumn my oldest daughter, then 19, left home one day while I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest, and left a note on her bed letting my know that my husband has sexually abused her the night before and that she was leaving, in a good place and she loved me. She stated in her note that she knew that if she had come to me and I had left him, I would just go back to him. She had good reason to believe this, as that had been the pattern of her childhood.

I eventually did leave him for good. I also won sole custody of all my children. Shortly thereafter, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to the abuse we had endured for years. I was a single mom struggling to raise my children alone. Their father was continually abusive during this time. He would send me terrible emails and texts, I was unable to get a restraining order as they were not life threatening, just degrading and cruel. There are no laws to stop someone from verbally abusing you unless they are threatening to physically harm you. Bullying laws seem to only apply to school children.(Grown ups are supposed to know better) My doctor put me on several different medication for my PTSD and depression. These medications albeit they were given and monitored by a physician, changed me. I started having breakdowns and feeling suicidal, I did not realize what was happening to me and my doctor didn’t seem to notice anything. The meds did take away my panic attacks so I guess he thought they were successful. After I was weaned off them at my request, I switched doctors and was informed that I had been given 4 times the appropriate amount. My breakdowns led to CPS getting involved. Their father lived in another state and even though he could not pass a background check in either state, he ended up with my children. There was testimony and witnesses to his past abuse, he had been arrested multiple times for domestic violence against me but the judge looked the other way. I tried to explain that I would not have had PTSD or been in the situation I was in if it had not been for his abuse. No one cared. He left the state I lived in with my children two years ago and I have not seen them since. He let me talk to them at first, as long as he monitored the calls or Skype. He started living with a young girl my daughter’s age and told my children that she is their real mother and that I threw them away and that is why I don’t call them anymore. I don’t call anymore because he changed his #. I have been sending them birthday and Christmas gifts, but he has moved and I don’t know their new address.

I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I don’t know what to do. I have consulted several attorneys, however, the retainer for a case like mine with so many children and having to cross state lines is enormous.

The pain never goes away. Everything reminds me of them. I hate seeing my friend’s posts and pictures of their children on facebook. Most recently was all the back to school pictures. I am haunted by memories, there is a giant hole in my life. When there is a news alert in the area of the country I know they live about a missing child, disease that is spreading, anything that could be about them, I lose my mind.

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO NOT BE THEIR MOTHER!!!!!

The degree to which this is harming them is immeasurable. They know me, they love me and even if they believe his lies about me deserting them, THAT will impact them negatively too. He told me in an email, (that the judge ignored) that he didn’t really want the children, he just wanted to punish me for leaving him.

Anyway, I am remarried to a good guy this time. Life is bittersweet, I have a strong faith in God and believe that ultimately He is in control of this unthinkable situation and I have trusted my children to Him. God has not changed my situation, but I have peace because I have Him. It has not, however, alleviated the grieving process.

There is no closure….

They are out there somewhere….

Being told that their mother doesn’t love them anymore….

An average midwestern mother’s pain/Parental alienation and PTSD. A national family car dealership and a national problem.

Please read the short post/link of part of my story.  The whole shabang for those of you who totally understand Parental Alienation and the many many tactics.  I have many plans and goals, but going through this trauma since 2007.  It’s all about the children.

#WhyIStayed (It’s Complicated)

ray-rice-janay-riceWhy I stayed:

I felt at moral obligation to remain faithful, loyal, supportive. When I began to see that there was no making my spouse happy — he would be angry and disgusted no matter what, I looked at leaving. I wrestled and wrestled with guilt. I prayed and listened hard for an answer. My spouse had a way of making me feel obligated and of making me feel I owed him so much. I blamed myself. Also, I was in denial of my fear of him. I was completely unaware of how his mere threats  such as threatening to put my puppy to sleep at the pound, threatening to render my car useless so I couldn’t go to work and I’d lose my means of financial independence: “I’m going to shut you down” he said more than once (all the while complaining that I did not contribute enough financially), as well as undermining me as a parent, creating dependence and instability, and doing things like locking me out of the house and the silent treatment left me feeling something was so wrong with me I could not make it on my own even if he did not carry out his threats. Just as certain individuals control countries with their words, my spouse confused my reality with his statements to me.

imageIt has taken me YEARS to see just how he twisted up normal as well as the way he controlled my thoughts with what he did and said and how that controlled my behavior.

It goes without saying that I weighed & re-weighed the potential effect on my kids!
After I DID divorce him and was in survival mode both financially and emotionally, he obsessively worked to abuse me in the same way his dad abused his mom:  He turned our child into a weapon of hate against me. (Unlike his dad, however, I have to pay the abuser of our family child support.) Parental Alienation is Domestic Abuse by Proxy. However, he had already begun alienating my daughter from me long before he began having a serious affair with a married woman.

When you have kids, you’re vulnerable financially and emotionally. The shame and blame of victims makes this so much worse. crazy

 

Have you ever read about Stockholm Syndrome? Apply that.  Have the guts to be compassionate and speak out against abuse, not the victims.

 

Complaint filed against federal judge accused of domestic violence

Complaint filed against federal judge accused of domestic violen.

 

Public outcry led to Ravens’ player Ray Rice losing his position on his NFL team. Can public outcry remove a federal judge from his position after being found guilty of domestic violence?  For now, Federal Judge Mark Fuller keeps his position after abusing his wife. Is this racism? Is this elitism? Is sexism involved? Is this hypocrisy? What are the implications of keeping abusers in powerful positions?

homepage

 

What happens when one parent poisons a child against the other parent

What happens when one parent poisons a child against the other parent.crazyAlice in PAS

Actress Kelly Rutherford In Custody Fight As Kids Live In France « CBS Los Angeles

Actress Kelly Rutherford In Custody Fight As Kids Live In France « CBS Los Angeles.

How can we write to Kelly Rutherford and let her know we understand her pain?

kelly_rutherfordkellyrutherfordl223341_cbb

 

Mother/Child Right to <3 Extinguished by Media?

Kids deserve both parents — to freely love both parents and their entire family.

Thankfully, the media is spotlighting a child’s right and need to have his/her father in his/her life.

But what about the moms? Many who endured years of mental and physical abuse. Many who did not build up a career that could afford them a voice in the courtroom (kids’ welfare should not be based on who is most willing to lie to the judge, therapist, etc., or who has the financial ability and desire to fight in a courtroom). Carter 4 prez

My former mother-in-law was kicked out of all 4 of her kids’ lives then blamed for not being there when she should be admired for surviving. Now her son is alienating our daughter not only from me and my family, but his own mother as well. Often, we moms and grandmothers have been judge ordered and/or traumatized into silence.

The media pretends to share the “equal parenting rights” issue.  I agree that kids should have access to both parents. Kids are not possessions to be fought over, though my ex created a full-blown custody scheme with his fifth wife by his side. (I heard she did not even want my daughter, so I don’t know why she participated in such a cruel and slanderous campaign against me — did she feel financially pressured to do this? After all, now her household is receiving child support from me as well as an additional tax deduction.)

But the problem this post is to focus on is the media’s disinterest in giving a voice to the mother’s and daughter’s enduring the horrible abuse involved in extreme parental alienation by an obsessed ex who demands control and is willing to harm the mental health of his own child to achieve “power.”

At least last month’s issue of Ms. Magazine included a feature article about mothers losing custody.  LawPlease educate media outlets about a mother’s pain. Share your story.  Do a Google search to an editor or a producer. (“Letters to the Editor”)

When news outlets DO include moms and their children, BE SURE TO CONTACT THEM AND PRAISE THEM– THIS WILL ENCOURAGE FOLLOW-UP STORIES:

fOX NEWS STORY

letterstotheeditor
@msmagazine.com

If we rely on a court system who knows the public doesn’t know, we are likely putting our power in the hands of some indifferent, unethical, or otherwise unprofessional individuals. Don’t be at the mercy of a few. Get the word out for all our families.

Kids deserve to be educated about “the worst form of child abuse.” The media providing an equal voice will facilitate this.

Let’s be happy that kids’ rights and need to have a healthy relationship with their fathers is bringing media attention, but let’s be sure not to leave out their moms.  Every kid deserves their mom no matter how much their father may hate or want to possess. We are all human. We are not perfect. We are still meant for love.

Frederick Douglass fought for women’s right to vote — which came AFTER black men’s right to vote in history. Why do so few make an issue of the lack of rights of women of all races?  Mothers and daughters are created for love, not abuse.

 

 

Wisdom for those experiencing Parental Alienation torture

from someone who been up-close & personal to not only relationship trials & abuse, but the worst atrocities imaginable. He does not begin to downplay our human feelings & natural reactions. Although his book “Made for Goodness” is not specifically written for Targeted Parents of Parental Alienation/ “domestic violence by proxy,” it could be:

All my wonder at my role in this world, my anger towards God, my overwhelming feelings concerning the cruel abuse from the alienating parent, the unjust family court system, unethical “professionals”, “friends” whose ignorance gave way to judgment, and last but certainly not & never least, the pain of having a child involved in Parental Alienation abuse…. Archbishop Tutu validates & understands such feelings in his work. I wish I had read his book years ago. How much more effectively I hope to be able to deal with this experience using his words of wisdom that come from his humble, but experienced & thoughtful perspective that considers &  supports different faith traditions.

His universal work should be in every library, for everyone. I can not stress enough that this book is an important read for parents suffering from even the most extreme Parental Alienation. Let’s focus our energy on healing ourselves, each other, our world with our personal stories, our truth & compassion as well as necessary anger.
Made for Goodness: And Why This Makes All the Difference by Desmond Tutu et al.
Link: http://amzn.com/0061706604

 

 

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The Myth of the Perfect Parent

American Academy of Pediatrics:  “While some may believe perfect parents exist, an ideal mother and father who raise happy, well-adjusted, problem-free children, there really is no such thing. Parenting is hard work, and despite our very best efforts, parents are destined to stumble along the way. But that’s OK! Parenting is not an exact science. “- See more at: http://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/aap-press-room-media-center/Pages/Myth-of-the-Perfect-Parent.aspx#sthash.ADYcf992.dpuf

What gets so mixed up in this whole mess is that one parent (the Targeted Parent) is held to such unrelenting scrutiny – everyone is looking to find the possible reason why the child suddenly wants nothing to do with them.  And if you look hard enough, and long enough, you will eventually find those flaws, imperfections and mistakes you are looking to find.  For every parent is a human being.  Every parent makes mistakes.

But what gets so turned around is that the Targeted Parent is never allowed to make any mistakes!  How many “good enough” parents are walking around out there, loving their children to the best of their ability, and not held to this type of scrutiny or put under the perpetual microscope?  Or thrown under the bus, in order to appease an alienating parent and feed (read:  pay) a legal system that finds it easier to eliminate the targeted parent, than to hold an alienator accountable?

Targeted Parents have bad days.  Sometimes we get tired or cranky.  Sometimes we have to work many hours with little sleep.  Sometimes we get sick, yet continue to parent and work anyway.  Sometimes we get stressed and cranky from answering to unrelenting legal abuse and harassment, and dealing with the terrible havoc that this wreaks upon our lives

Sometimes Targeted Parents just get really sad from being targeted for so long.

So, take this from a Targeted Parent – we love our children more than anything.  We forge on against unspeakable sorrow and never-ending disappointment.  We pick ourselves up time and time again, after being abused by the system, and by our own children.

There is no roadmap for being the perfect Targeted Parent.  But must we really be perfect?  Must we never ever have a bad day?  If that is the case, then nobody is deserving of having children, for nobody is perfect.

We Targeted Parents are hearty and steadfast – deeply loving, tender-hearted souls.  We get knocked down, and get the wind knocked out of our hearts.  And we pick ourselves back up over and over again, to try again.  And we forgive.  Many times over.  So, then, doesn’t it follow, that a Targeted Parent should also receive some compassion?  Maybe, just maybe, a Targeted Parent can be a human being too…

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