I’ve come a long way.
I still have trouble sleeping, lying anxiously awake…, & if I’m not careful, I can feel my body weighted with a physical pain from depression.
But it’s a long way from where I was.
Once I realized that my daughter’s innocence, love, and mental health was hijacked by my ex & that no one in the system would help by doing anything remotely effective, if not making the alienation worse, I went into despair.
Writing has helped. I’ve told most of my story. I have not revealed everything, yet. I have failed to turn in the unethical psychologist involved. I’ve failed because it was such a traumatic time — our fate was in her hands, & she hid the cards she wanted.
I’ve learned I have to heal with vigorous physical activity.
I’m running the pain out.
Sometimes, I feel like crying at the end of my run — it’s like a dam I have to hold myself together gets weakened. But it’s good, because holding that dam of tears weighs heavily on my mind, my body….
I’ve been afraid to go to a much-needed yoga class… I don’t want to cry in front of others after relaxing my resistance. My therapist asks, “What’s wrong with crying in front of others?”
I don’t want to continue to drive others away with my inconsolable grief.
I moved to a new place not knowing anyone. I’ve been isolated, lonely, & broken-hearted.
These days, I also try pretending that I don’t love my daughter as much. It’s true that I don’t like her so much right now after violent threats & unkind lies, but at the same time, she has every right to be unlikable with the hate poured into her head & heart by two adults: father & stepmother (stepmom is much more passive, but still an uncaring fake who plays a significant part in alienating me & my daughter — what kind of person lies about another mother & brags to her mother-in-law about taking a child away?). My daughter’s being manipulated by sociopath — so is the whole corrupt, incompetent system!
Things still remind me of all the memories I shared with my daughter. But I no longer hope — not for much, anyway, so that I don’t go crazy. I’ve deactivated my personal Facebook because I can’t deal with seeing photos of my daughter’s peers growing up, as she should have been able. I can’t deal with my hurt & disappointment toward many in the community who judged me and even supported my abuser. I also need to distance myself from any connected memories that continue to break my heart over & over & over.
But I am counting my blessings, & there are many. I am trying to breathe in the Lord’s presence. I saw a newborn deer this weekend, for example — what a serendipity! :D
I am trying to be at peace & accept the unacceptable by putting it in God’s hands, even though I am a believer in doing what we are called to do… But it seems I’ve been called to let go & let God.
(I often wish my memories could be erased, or at least blurred & numbed because of the contrast of then & now, but then, I realize: I don’t want to lose those, too…)
At this point, at her age, I just do my best to live day to day & let it be.
Let there be joy, too. & health. I deserve it, too. I will accept the good — what is TRULY good in life — what TRULY matters, even if my daughter refuses. (Que sara sara)
I’ve come so far, & for that: I am grateful.
Thank you, God, for those who care for me & pray for me & my child. Watch over my family. We need a miracle.