So Far, So…Far

I’ve come a long way.

I still have trouble sleeping, lying anxiously awake…, & if I’m not careful, I can feel my body weighted with a physical pain from depression.

But it’s a long way from where I was.

Once I realized that my daughter’s innocence, love, and mental health was hijacked by my ex & that no one in the system would help by doing anything remotely effective, if not making the alienation worse, I went into despair.

Writing has helped.  I’ve told most of my story. I have not revealed everything, yet.  I have failed to turn in the unethical psychologist involved. I’ve failed because it was such a traumatic time — our fate was in her hands, & she hid the cards she wanted.

I’ve learned I have to heal with vigorous physical activity.

I’m running the pain out.

Sometimes, I feel like crying at the end of my run — it’s like a dam I have to hold myself together gets weakened.  But it’s good, because holding that dam of tears weighs heavily on my mind, my body….

I’ve been afraid to go to a much-needed yoga class… I don’t want to cry in front of others after relaxing my resistance. My therapist asks, “What’s wrong with crying in front of others?”

I don’t want to continue to drive others away with my inconsolable grief.

I moved to a new place not knowing anyone. I’ve been isolated, lonely, & broken-hearted.

These days, I also try pretending that I don’t love my daughter as much.  It’s true that I don’t like her so much right now after violent threats & unkind lies, but at the same time, she has every right to be unlikable with the hate poured into her head & heart by two adults: father & stepmother (stepmom is much more passive, but still an uncaring fake who plays a significant part in alienating me & my daughter — what kind of person lies about another mother & brags to her mother-in-law about taking a child away?). My daughter’s being manipulated by sociopath — so is the whole corrupt, incompetent system!

art Hands 10 x 8 x  2 oil on cradled panel SM

Things still remind me of all the memories I shared with my daughter. But I no longer hope — not for much, anyway, so that I don’t go crazy. I’ve deactivated my personal Facebook because I can’t deal with seeing photos of my daughter’s peers growing up, as she should have been able. I can’t deal with my hurt & disappointment toward many in the community who judged me and even supported my abuser. I also need to distance myself from any connected memories that continue to break my heart over & over & over.

But I am counting my blessings, & there are many. I am trying to breathe in the Lord’s presence.  I saw a newborn deer this weekend, for example — what a serendipity! :D

gift

I am trying to be at peace & accept the unacceptable by putting it in God’s hands, even though I am a believer in doing what we are called to do… But it seems I’ve been called to let go & let God.

(I often wish my memories could be erased, or at least blurred & numbed because of the contrast of then & now, but then, I realize: I don’t want to lose those, too…)

At this point, at her age, I just do my best to live day to day & let it be.

Let there be joy, too. & health.  I deserve it, too. I will accept the good — what is TRULY good in life — what TRULY matters, even if my daughter refuses. (Que sara sara)

I’ve come so far, & for that: I am grateful.

GratitudeThank you, God, for those who care for me & pray for me & my child.  Watch over my family. We need a miracle.

 

 

About Torn 2 Peaceshttp://Torn2Peaces.comMay youth & the world know truth -- a truth many moms & dads share: the desire that our child(ren) freely love & be in a healthy relationship with BOTH parents & grandparents.

6 thoughts on “So Far, So…Far

  1. Dear “So Far, so… Far”…..I hear you and God be with you. I have been praying for you. As a grandmother and an RN, I suffer with you and all grieving Moms and Grandmothers.

    I suffer with my daughter. My daughter’s only son has been alienated — “stolen.” She has lain her life down to raise him, & keep him, birth weight 2 lb 11 oz. due to spousal abuse. By not giving up in court, she actually prevented her- X from spiriting her boy out of the country. We probably would never have seen him again.

    QUESTION: HOW MANY TIMES HAS her – X hired low-life, money-hungry lawyers to get her into court on trumped up charges to try to take away her Sole Legal Custody?

    ANSWER: 7 X’s. With Status Hearings, etc, etc, etc, MANY times. He’s had 6 lawyers.
    QUESTION: How do crooked peopled win? BY L-Y-I-N-G.

    On the way to church I heard a sermon that beats all sermons entitled, “Family Feuds” by Moody Church Media, Chicago and an amazing OFFER…if you call their 800 # or write, ask for the 8-CD series, “WHEN YOU’VE BEEN WRONGED.” Send WHATEVER amount you can send, and they will send it to you. What a Blessing. I mailed my small check today. I pray these CD’s help me on the way to real forgiveness that will “stick fast” because it comes unglued, over and over. I hope their offer remains so that many people can get a set.

    I AGREE WITH YOUR HEART’S DESIRE FOR THAT MIRACLE. AND FOR ALL THE GRIEVING MOMS THAT NEED A MIRACLE.

    Love and Prayers,
    From “Keep the Faith”

    • So wonderful to hear from you. Thank you so much. My mom is an RN & she has not been able to make any plans with my daughter even though they used to really enjoy each other’s company. I believe any attempt I’ve made to contact my daughter only spurs her dad to create more hate towards me. He has created a no-win situation & the corrupt & incompetent Family Court system has empowered the liar/manipulator he is. I’ve lost faith in the legal system, but I know God does not need a legal system to provide a miracle. Thank you for your prayers. I will pray for your family, too. HUGS :0)

      • Dear Torn to Pieces,
        Thank you so much. God is using you in a very real way to encourage so many Moms and Grandmothers. The reason you are believable is because you are going through what our daughters and we the grandmothers are going through.
        A correction: the OFFER on Moody Radio Media is 4 CD’s with 8 teachings, sorry, not 8 CD’s — “When You’ve Been Wronged, ” for any amount.
        I just finished a famous book that I had never read. When it was made into school plays, it was often cast with a comedic air, naughty Topsy, and pretty, little Eva and horrid Simon Legree.
        But UNCLE TOM’S CABIN has so much depth & was the first book to sell a million copies. Abraham Lincoln said it sparked a war. What amazed me is that it is full of the Gospel of Christ.
        Brave and kind and strong Uncle Tom was finally beaten to death because he refused to tell the escape plans of 2 female slaves who couldn’t take it anymore. It’s sad to hear his name, ” Uncle Tom” degraded as someone useless who went-along to get-along when actually he stood up against mistreatment of the weak and defenseless.
        Harriet Beecher Stowe knew of actual men like Tom, because along with her family she took in many people on their flights to freedom. She heard their cries and wrote about them.
        I believe your miracle is in the making, because God loves you and He SEES you and your perseverance.
        Betty
        “Keep Believing.”

  2. So Far, So Far….. I understand that grief so well, and like yourself found that I needed to move away from my family and friends for a while as it was too much to bear. They wanted to help me and yet there was nothing they could do. I couldn’t help but feel as if I were a burden on them.
    I moved 200 miles away and came back to visit every 3-4 months. My own legal battle went on for a total of 12 years. The last 8 years I saw my son only 5 times with a supervisor. My ex tried very hard to poison and brainwash my son, and used torture, threats and scare tactics.
    When I was finally finished with the courts and it was finally “safe” for me to see my child I showed up one day at his college. I had to travel over 1600 miles and hope his father hadn’t followed me. When my son heard my voice on the phone he said “where are you mom? I’ll be right there”. Literally He showed up within an hour and we hugged and talked and shared. I now have a close relationship with my son. So don’t give up hope.

    • Thank you, Miriam. I still pray, but I’m not “expecting” just so I don’t feel hit with day to day disappointment and night to night anxiety. I am so glad your son escaped. Some kids get seduced and molested by their parents and become extremely confused and sick from exploitation…. Some take on the habits & even character of the abuser. I hope & pray these kids find each other & heal!

    • When I was finally finished with the courts and it was finally “safe” for me to see my child I showed up one day at his college. I had to travel over 1600 miles and hope his father hadn’t followed me. When my son heard my voice on the phone he said “where are you mom? I’ll be right there”. Literally He showed up within an hour and we hugged and talked and shared. I now have a close relationship with my son. So don’t give up hope!! Thank YOU!! People’s lives aren’t games.

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