Update on No-win Situation — What to Do?

My ex is threatening to take me to court for more child support. I currently pay him child support in addition to covering our daughter’s health insurance. I’m also ordered to split the copayment. He is ordered to have my daughter visit. He does not comply, & like any alienating parent, he works to convince me, the target parent, & my daughter, the victim of his possession, that I am the problem instead of his poorly disguised hatefulness & disrespect, not to mention disregard towards me as a human being. I am something to abuse.

Not only does he not comply with visitation, he does not involve me in decision-making with my daughter’s health or well-being as he has been ordered to do per “our” custody “agreement.” An agreement I was financially forced to submit to since he was obsessed with ruining me with legal fees and using my child as a pawn in family court.

What’s most distressing is my teenage daughter is constantly being put at risk in the alienating parent’s “care.”  Although he is not physically abusive towards her, he is extremely neglectful & psychologically abusive. As a result, my daughter has been in the ER more than a couple of times in the past three years. Witnesses have told me he arrives an hour after he’s called even though he lives & works (his own business) five minutes from the hospital.  These are not sports related injuries.  One was a suicide attempt while I was in Iraq. His neglect of her (my dad stayed with her & my son from a previous marriage in my home during my deployment — a deployment that provided the financial stability we were left without when my ex was ready to leave me for a married woman & then, as a business owner who reports as little income as he can, left us in a financial predicament with no health insurance, alimony, etc., etc., — I could not afford a forensic attorney to find his hidden income…) was reported to me by my dad & my friend Diana, who both told me my ex would not let our daughter know whether or not he was going to show up for his weekly Friday night & Saturday visit — often making her wait until the last minute, or showing up late & occasion ally canceling at the last minute or coming thru at the last minute. I became the blame for my daughter’s first attempt: I was coming home to knowledge of her trouble at school & she didn’t want the shame & disappointment. How could she think I valued her so little — I know of many of her antics & I hurt & am scared FOR her & I was confused about why. WAS confusED.  I cried & cried & wrote in my diary of my constant worry for her. I found her a therapist, took her, & paid the entire bill. But my daughter didn’t want to continue (was she discouraged by her dad?). All I know is she really liked this counselor then suddenly said she didn’t like her simply because the therapist agreed with her too much.imperfect

I was frustrated with my daughter, too: she had a dad who was known to lavish lots & lots attention on her — taking her out on daddy-daughter dates even while we were married & allowing her to eat, see, & do much of what she wanted. I didn’t agree that was how a child should be raised, but I had been well-trained to accept that my opinions didn’t matter — at least we had a nice home & my daughter had a dad who adored her …. or so I thought. And I had long accepted that my existence didn’t really matter to him or anyone else. This was my training, my conditioning.

A year after the first ER visit her dad suddenly wanted custody. This coincided with my financial recovery & a serious boyfriend. He was married to wife #5 (did he hide that fact from her, too?). He & wife #5, who didn’t include my daughter in their wedding nor their trip to Disney World, nor did they give her a birthday party even during my deployment  suddenly became the parents my daughter needed — the ones who could give her the freedom (dropping her off alone downtown at the Smokehouse Bar & Grill at age 13, allowing someone they didn’t even meet bring her home after 11pm… — Dr. Rosemary Snodgrass, the therapist assessing the custody placement, never expressed any concern over this nor the many other disturbing facts & inconsistencies & flags surrounding our case), the attention & supervision my daughter needed (where were they when I needed someone to pick up my daughter from the piano lessons I struggled to pay for?). Any man who would put his daughter in such situations has a daughter who he’s trying to bribe, has a daughter who has something on him, &/or has a daughter he could care less about protecting, but more about POSSESSING.

But back to my daughter’s health “care”: Six months after my daughter moved in with dad & stepmom & was cut off from me & my mom & her brothers, she ran away (she had done this while in his “care” before he got physical custody). She had run away from her dad more than once during their weekend visitations while I was deployed (but this running away —  a symptom of a certain type of abuse did not concern Dr. Snodgrass either). My daughter had something happen that landed her in ER. Again, I had knowledge because of my insurance, not because of my ex’s willingness to co-parent. (Hey therapist, this is another sign — you had emails showing how I went out of my way to inform AND involve my daughter’s dad AND her stepmother, but you listened to a man who has a way with women and you helped place my daughter in harm’s way!).  One counselor at the health facility where my daughter stayed for a week did tell me she wished my daughter had been getting counseling & was surprised Dr. Snodgrass did not refer her, no matter which parent might have caused the emotional harm — that wasn’t the point, but getting my obviously hurting daughter help. Or it should have been, Dr. Snodgrass. Dr. Snodgrass had information about how my daughter had been acting out.

Was it an actual suicide attempt or threats, I don’t know because Judge Jackson listened to a man who could con five educated women and his daughter instead of even hearing my side during the emergency custody request, so I was left out.

Another mom I know was left out of her daughter’s healthcare discussions when her teen daughter attempted suicide after moving in with her dad. Both our daughters were put on meds. Both our daughters were under the care of psychiatrists who knew zilch about Parental Alienation Syndrome.

And now that my ex has physical custody and has been ordered to grant me full parenting rights, he leaves my name off when other incidents happening. Like my daughter’s beautiful nose getting bitten by her friend’s pit bull. Her friend took her to ER & said my ex showed up to take her home & acted hateful to her.  I got an EMAIL from my ex TWO DAYS later. He attached a photo. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me worse than the thought of her future surgeries. I was at work when I opened my email and I was hysterical.  Help my daughter, someone! Even for a few thousand dollars to get a teen’s living situation reviewed, judges don’t grant changes with a teen whose been taught to disobey the parent filing for a change. The judge who does not respond to the reality of Parental Alienation Syndrome is of zero help & court only invigorates & encourages the narcissist. Even if this narcissist shared with his daughter that he, her dad, went with a friend (I assume he’s talking about his wealthy army buddy he traveled with during our pending divorce) to watch a woman have sex with a donkey. Yes, he shared this with my daughter, according to a friend of hers. There was a video of a woman having sex with a monkey found on his computer at his real estate school. I used to see spam like that on our home computer, but I had no idea why it was happening.  That was years ago before I understood the workings of the internet. Now I’m using technical knowledge to reveal the nightmare me & my mom (who used to be close to her granddaughter) live. I’ve kept much of this secret, but my daughter KEEPS winding up in ER. I will file a report with the police when I can get to town (I’ve already called them), since the Department of Human Services in their county failed to respond to the Facebook evidence I presented them (as well as Dr. Snodgrass) years ago. My child. My child’s life.

I will be blamed for exposing him, but would you keep keeping this secret if your child’s life (mental & physical safety) was so compromised? I’m convinced he’d prefer his own daughter to destroy herself than to have a relationship with me. And I am scared of the risk involved in speaking out — my abuser will try to punish me & I don’t know if he’ll hurt our child to do it. He allowed her to put gauges in her ears so that she & I would have conflict. Again, Dr. Snodgrass dismissed this and asked me how a half-inch hole (which has now doubled) in my daughter’s ear was any different than pierced ears. Her associated, Betty Hamblin, was a witness to Snodgrass’s treatment of this case & apologized to me when Snodgrass left the room. I’ve heard that Snodgrass has done some good things in her profession, but I’ve also heard otherwise.

None of us are perfect. Many alienated parents are not perfect, but we’d never intentionally harm out of hate. I feel it is important for all to know the truth about Parental Alienation & the family court system. I hear of many alienated kids & their moms who destroying their lives & we as a community, as a society, as a village, must not ignore the facts! All facts.

Speaking out against an extreme alienator’s abuse & neglect to the court system usually proves to be worse than a no-win situation for the child and the target parent & members of the target parent’s family, but it still needs to be done in faith. The outcome I can’t control.

About Torn 2 Peaceshttp://Torn2Peaces.comMay youth & the world know truth -- a truth many moms & dads share: the desire that our child(ren) freely love & be in a healthy relationship with BOTH parents & grandparents.

6 thoughts on “Update on No-win Situation — What to Do?

  1. Interesting that you mentioned the gauges in your daughter’s ears….my daughter pierced her nose by herself at home. I found out and was very concerned. I didn’t know if how she did it. I would have had her take it out, but my ex allowed her to keep it. I read what you said, and now see he was probably hoping for me to argue and cause more conflict between her and I…so he could say to her “see, your mother is against you”. It is so wrong what these alienators do. When will it stop? Will it take our children actually succeeding in their suicide attempts for someone to notice? I will not give up…

    • My daughter pierced her nose & gum as well & I was concerned about what could have driven her to mutilate herself. How blind I was. I hope our speaking out will free our kids & others, Heather. My ex learned parental alienation from his dad & no one did anything then….

  2. Hi, I sent you an article that I wrote for StyleHunters in which I quote you about the psychologist. I decided it was time we all start naming more names. Anyway when I sent you the article my book name and price came through from the article, you can delete if you want.

    Thanks, Miriam

    • First time I ever gave her actual name, though I wrote about Dr Snodgrass’s unprofessional behavior in previous posts. I’ve heard from former students, parents, & one psychologist that she can be a bully. I’ve also heard she’s very well-respected, to be fair; however, I feel the very least she should have done was 1. Be honest & transparent & 2. Refer my daughter for help regardless of what she thought about me. You are welcome to share anything here. I write to release pain & to help others. Thank you. I look forward to reading your book though I’m sorry for what you & your son have been through.

  3. Reblogged this on Moms' Hearts Unsilenced and commented:

    The latest: I received a notice for certified mail. I know it’s from him. He usually follows his email demands with certified mail THAT I NEVER PICK UP. Make a trip to the post office so I can open an envelope full of demands for more child support, & money based on a custody contract he refuses to follow, not to mention the simple human courtesy he feels entitled to without bestowing the same to any of the mothers of his kids? I don’t think so: I will ignore as he uses the court system to bully me. “I wonder what he’ll do once [my daughter's name] becomes 19 and he no longer receives child support?” my mom asked — she knows: It’s not about the money. It’s about harassment & control. IT WILL NEVER STOP WITH HIM. He demands my attention. He is obsessed with bullying me. If I jump through one hoop, there will be another. Therefore, I plan to put my energy elsewhere, such as writing my book. Family court is no place for justice or protection of kids or targeted parents.

  4. I have just read your story from the ‘beginning’ and my heart goes out to ye. When an apple is rotten it affects the whole barrel. This is what the biological father of your daughter is, the rotten apple. And all around him, because of his lies and manipulative ways, to me he is psychopathic, no normal being would do the things he is doing, and none can see or understand what he is up to.
    But what society accepts this behaviour?
    Don’t listen to his words, look at his actions, concentrate on these, and one will see an ocean of a difference. Articulate these along with the truth, and what judge could find in his favour?

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